The Only Regret I Have.

I need to let this one go....so here it is :/

Here i am surrounded by all these people getting married... it is something thats been heavy on my heart for a while now but i never saw the point in bringing it up. i am so thankful for our marriage and our kids and our life. i want to be honest with you. although i think our wedding was cute and neat....i regret not having the wedding i dreamed of growing up. i know it was my idea to just get married sooner than later...but now its proving to be one of the biggest regrets of my life...

it was such a HUGE milestone and we didnt celebrate the way id always dreamed of. im sitting here bawling my eyes out...because i know it will never happen. it is something i posted on a wedding site forum a while ago and am just now reading the responses. i asked if it would be okay to just have a vow renewal/redo so we could have the dress the party and the fun. the result was a big resounding NO! many of the people were very harsh telling me in other words that im being selfish and superficial. I just cant help how i feel. so now that i know that that idea is completely socially unacceptable, im just mourning the loss of a childhood princessy dream of my daddy walking me down the aisle and giving me away.

some people reading this may be rolling their eyes or whatever...but i am very down about it. i know i need to just look forward and move on, but every time i see wedding pictures of people surrounded by all their friends and family and the radiant bride in her beautiful wedding gown, i get a pang in my gut. not jealousy...b/c their wedding isnt what i envisioned....just regret. and i never thought i would have a regret in my life like that. sorry if this is meaningless to the reader.

...its just something i needed to get out.

Surrogacy Diaries...5 Supportive People

Someone asked me (yet again) under my latest video how i could give "up" the baby. I replied, honestly.
If you would like to see the actual comments exchanged, they are some of the very first on this video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hN1__bUrYF4

Just a little bit ago, I received this sweet message (used with permission). It actually brought a tear to my eye. I love connecting with people, for whatever the reason...

"I just watched your lates video. You are the first woman that I have heard admit that we are not always attached to our babies at birth. I felt that way with all four of my children. I loved them as soon as I knew I was pregnant, but not the way I do now. Hearng this from some one else made me feel less guilty, knowing I'm not the only one. ! tried to be a surrogate for 2 years and I have gone through 3 agencies. The first agency accepted my applcation, but couldn't use me unless they had ALL of my OB records. You would think it would be easy to get since they are yours, but that was not the case. The second agency was okay. They would find me potential matches and then their clinics wouldn't want me because I had a section with my oldest, because my children where too "large", or because they wanted all my records too.After that I decided to try one more agency and if it happened great, if not maybe it wasn't ment to be. I applied at my agency on Jan 1, 2011, and I am now matched:) The contracts have been signed and I fly out for my medical screening on Monday. I wish you the best of luck and I kow it's going to happen for you. Just hang in there:)!!"




I replied with this....




"I always am scared that people will take that the wrong way and think i dont love them. that couldnt be farther from the truth! i LOVE my boys with all my heart...and soul...and then some...but at birth, i just wasnt there. i didnt feel like i knew them. of course i loved them then, but i wasnt attached, nor was i bonded.

I even asked the nurse why i didnt feel like it was my baby...like it was some foreign experience.. she said i had no clue how many mothers secretly ask her the same thing. we all want to be the best we can be so we worry that if we arent bonded right away, that it will appear negative in our society.

I just gave up...i cant please everyone. only myself. so i have come to love that quality, because it will enable me to provide someone (i hope) with a gift i have already been blessed with.

may i use your words in my blog? i will NOT put your username or identity in it...i just want people to know that its is normal. If not i understand, but its worth asking :)

let me know when you transfer and how everything goes! you are an inspiration!

have a wonderful weekend!

Liz"

Guess it pays to just keep it real :)

Surrogacy Diaries...4 Update and Anticipation

Alright... Since I have last posted, quite a bit has changed in a short period of time. At first, these changes were hurtful (although not intended to be), and confusing...now I realize that this is just something that God wanted, and I will be led to where I should be.

What has happened?

Well, I sent the IP's my medical records. They were up front with me in saying that my first pregnancy (even though it wasn't that bad) may raise some red flags with their Dr. So when I got the email saying their Dr. reviewed my records and they cannot unfortunately move forward with me...it wasn't a huge shock. But I still shed some tears. I felt so connected with them, so...happy. But even though I don't fully understand why, I am perfectly okay with it now. As my IM told me: "when one door closes another opens". I believe that to be the case. 

So I have made the decision to strictly stick with the lawyer/agency ...I will refer to her as "H" until I have permission to use her name. She truly is a wonderful person. She gave me the profile that same day of a couple who lives in a relatively nearby city (in my state). I told her about what happened with my medical records, and she really didn't see it as being an issue for most, so that relieved me...I am determined to do this for someone!

She sent my profile to that couple, and she emailed me 2 days later saying they LOVED it! YEAY! Here we go again, lol. Oh well...at least I can bond with people easily right?? "H" said the couple would like to have a conference call on friday (tomorrow) at 10AM :D I agreed, as this is when Guy goes down for his morning nap. So it should go smoothly. 

Also, yesterday I had my annual PAP. She did my checkup, my blood pressure was 110/60 .. and at the end shook my hand, and was ready to walk out when I finally had the courage (yes, courage....Dr's stun me into silence for some reason) to say 

"I have a question.."

"Sure- go ahead"

"Uhm..Do you.. Do you think I would be okay to be pregnant again?"

"Hold on" sits down "let me take a look at your chart"...."is there a reason why you feel you shouldnt??"

"OH...no, haha, its for a surrogate pregnancy...I am ready to do this and just want to make sure its not out of the question for whatever reason"

"Ah..." looks for a couple minutes .. "I dont see why not.." finally looks up from my chart and smiled (me-sigh of relief) "Yeah, I definitely think that it something you could do" 

Then she stared at me for what felt like forever, and I felt like I should be saying something. so I said 

"you must think it is strange..what im doing..then?"

She seemed to snap out of her staring session and smiled big 

"no...actually...I think.. (say it lady) .. its a very selfless thing to do"

Wow took her long enough to say it...and the way she walked towards me i had this strange feeling that she had a woman-crush on me HAHA! Im probably totally wrong, as she is married with 3 boys, and the sweetest of all the Dr's there...but it was just funny how she said it and walked toward me :P

So that made me super duper happy...that my Dr. thinks its something I am fully capable of and healthy enough to do! SUCCESS!

Its the small things that count.

I will update after friday's conference call!

Surrogacy Diaries...3 *MEDICAL RECORDS*

POOP.

That is what I have to say about my first Dr. (the one I had with Blake's pregnancy and birth, and half of my pregnancy with Jordan....) Many of you have been following me since then, and know how RIDICULOUS they were!! They constantly lost my chart, or pages therein, couldn't get anything right, and were completely lacking in bedside manner (i.e. the midwife who told me to shut up when I was moaning during pushing.)

Well, I never really expected to deal with them again, of course- I forgot I would need them for their records on me for the surrogacy.
GREAT. The very thing they screwed up much of the time. So, I asked for my medical records, they didn't charge me (which was nice) and sent them the next day (which was very nice). What WASNT nice, is how disorganized they seemed when they arrived, and the fact that they didnt READ what was sent to them apparently.

With my first pregnancy with Blake, they speculated that I had 2 TIA's (transient ischemic attacks....aka mini temporary strokes) B/C I had 2 severe migraines that had speech confusion accompanying them. VERY scary, but not harmful, like a TIA. They of course referred me to a neurologist, and they ran a bunch of tests, and ruled out the TIA, as well as stated that I had very severe migraines (with reading too much the day before as possible triggers - i read a 500 page novel in one day lol) with "aura" which is strange symptoms occuring either before or during the migraine.

NOW...here is the part that (pardon me) pisses me off....


They, After recieving this information from the neurologist, CONTINUED to write constantly in my chart that I had a history of TIA's!!! Yea sure, make me look like a prize catch to my IM's Dr. who will be reviewing this. The only good thing about this  is that my neurology report is included (suprisingly).

Then we have the "heat stroke" with "seizures" sitting once or twice in there.....ummmm in 07 I went to a truck show with my current boyfriend, and suffered from heat exhaustion and the shakes....*SIGH* If I have to go to the carlisle hospital (which is kinda far away) to get THOSE records, I will for SURE be outraged at this Dr's office lol.

Next we have the "heart issues"....In the beginning with my pregnancy with Blake, they wanted my entire medical history, so I gave it to them....Including the fainting episodes I had whn I was 14. I had low blood pressure, but did a tilt table test (which I failed- I passed out) but no one ever knew why....after ultrasounds ECG's etc, I was ruled as "fine"...my palpitations possibly being related to anxiety. I state this one time,....and now it runs rampant through my records...so they send me to a heart Dr. and What do you know....Im fine. Luckily they included that report of I think I would have a heart attack. But yet they still continued to refer to these heart "issues".

And finally the "pre-eclampsia"....I took so many 24 hour urine tests with this Dr.....and NONE of them came back that I was peeing protein or my liver or kidneys were affected....everything was..... yep you guessed it.....FINE. all my levels were normal in every part of the labs included in my records, but my BP was trending upwards, and at the very end was pretty high. yet they still called it preeclampsia here, and hypertension of pregnancy there....But it the hospital induction report, luckily they said that I was brought to be induced b/c of pregnancy induced hypertension.


I seriously think i had high blood pressur b/c of how confusing and unorganized this Dr. was. I am so glad I finally switched. The worst of it all, which the chart does not reflect, is how they talked to me....talked down to me.  I am hoping everything works out. I LOVE the IP's I have, and it would suck to ruin it b/c of my Dr.'s incapabilities.

THANK GOD I switched Doctors, and had a wonderfully smooth pregnancy the second time around. I was able to relax and enjoy it. For that, I am very grateful.

WOW. I feel so much better now that I ranted on here. shew. Plus I wanted to Document every step of this process, so that if I go through it again, I am knowing what to expect. And if you made it this far, Thank you, and you are amazing.

Surrogacy Diaries...2

So....I have an inspiration for writing a blog today :o)

spill it, Liz


You push too hard, really. :P

IM MATCHED!!!! Yes! That's right! Im TAKEN. LoL

Sooo I haven't been talking much since my last update, both video and here, for a reason. I have been trying to decide between parents...a decision I wouldn't wish on anybody!....Its SO hard to pick from a handful of amazing people who are willing to work with you. BUT I am glad I chose who I chose.. well, they chose me too :o). Its so strange. Finding a match is MUCH like dating. You have to kind of "play the field" so to speak. But honesty is SUPER important.

Of course the term "match" goes without saying that its as long as I pass all the Dr tests. "M" Is a mom of one boy ("E") and "A" is the intended father :) We have been emailing back and forth, our lawyer letting us have some space to get to know eachother...all I can say is I love talking with them!!

I got THAT email today saying they officially want to move forward. Right now I am focusing on getting my medical records sent to me, and sending them along to "M" - for her review, and so she can pass them along to her private IVF Doc.

I have my routine Pap on April 6th (cuz i knew you wanted that info :P) and will have those results sent as well.

Then I will most likely be beginning the testing process. Tyler and I both will have to have blood work (me more so than him) to rule out infectious diseases. Once (hopefully) I pass those tests, they will likely to a test to inject dye into my uterus and fallopian tubes to measure the size/shape of my uterus, and make sure it is suitable for pregnancy.

Then, "M" and I will be placed on hormones and birth control to sync up our cycles, so they fall on the same days. Once this happens, they will collect the eggs and sperm of the intended parents and allow them to "do their thing" in a petri dish :D

Once there are several embabies (embryos lol) they will decide on a 3 day transfer or 5 day (this is the age of the fresh embryos, and marks their specific cell dividing stage) and I come into play :). They place up to 3 most likely 2 embabies in my uterus, and I "host" them. They will hopefully implant to the lining of my uterus, and become a viable pregnancy. Most likely there will only be one baby as a result of all this.

Then I continue hormone injections and meds until usually week 12 of the pregnancy, at which time the hormones given off by the placenta are enough to sustain the pregnancy on its own. Before that, the meds are important to "trick" my body into believing it is pregnant and not reject the pregnancy.

Sometimes, as a result of the hormones, Surros tend to get highly emotional, and sometimes "bloat up". This is just a normal temporary part of the whole thing! Once you get to the 3rd/4th month of pregnancy, you'd just carry on as if it were a normal pregnancy!

AHHHH so exciting!!!

FOR FUTURE REFERENCE:

terminology:


TS: traditional surrogate, where the surrogate mother's egg is used. I am NOT a TS.

GS: gestational surrogate, where a sperm and egg formed into an embryo which is not from the surro. I am a GS.

IM or "M": intended mother. use of her first initial is for her protection.
IF or "A": intended father. use of his first initial is used for his protection.
IP or IP's: intended parents.
IB or "E": intended brother (I may have made that up lol). Use of his first initial is used for his protection.

Surrogacy Diaries...

Surrogacy. Some know I am doing it, others are just finding out. There are so many reasons why this is a good fit for me, and I have wanted to do this for a LONG time. Sometimes I get odd looks when I mention it. Or people ignore me...as if they think I am doing this to be "different".
It bothers me how close-minded people can be to this subject. And I wonder why it makes people uncomfortable and seem to squirm in their own skin when I tell them what I am about to do and how excited I am.

Dont get me wrong...I have plenty of supporters, but boy, do people sure get squirmy when I mention this. Some people think that it is wrong from a biblical standpoint. well then, I challenge them to site a verse in the bible (in the correct context) that tells me so.

(silence from their end...)

Exactly.

If anything, I view this as something that will bring me closer to God, and my spiritual path. What a deeply emotional and amazing miraculous thing. I am beyond ecstatic to do this for someone, who YEARNS to become a loving and devoted parent.

Then there are others who have no idea where they stand on the subject. All I can say is, research! If you spend some time looking into it, you will realize that it isnt some strange phenomenon...its a REAL process and there are medication regimens contracts and doctors involved! Maybe its too much technology for some? Well...in my opinion. If God didnt want certain diseases or cancers to be cured, he never would have guided the hands of doctors OR the people that created technology in the first place!
I feel like this is God's way of allowing a couple a child that they may otherwise never have had...and he wanted them to walk (and me to walk) this journey for a reason.

So after that little rant. I want yall to know (whoever may be reading this) that this is becoming SUCH a fulfilling idea for me. I know when it is a reality it will be even more so. Im not doing this for attention. Im not doing this to "rebel" (some of the older generation's opinion). I am doing this for the intended parents (IP) and ME. My family (Tyler) are VERY supportive and especially Tyler is beyond thrilled to embark on this pregnancy bit yet again. We simply LOVE being pregnant! but dont LOVE the newborn-ness! haha! People are always saying "When Blake is a toddler, you will miss these times" Sure- I enjoyed moments as they came, but i am RELIEVED he is a toddler LOL!!! The older he gets the more I love him (if thats possible) and the more fun I have as a mom!

I finally got all the estimates (for the birth etc) to the agency this morning. One more check off my to-do list :D

peace and good weekends

WRITERS BLOCK

this is what writer's block looks like :













































Sorry guys....im just not coming up with anything today lol