Wednesday, May 18, 2011


I do not care if people laugh at this post, because i am talking about a needn't read further. This post IS in fact dedicated to our pet bird, Kevin, who died tonight at 8:37pm. Rest In Peace Kevin. This is our story of the beginning to the end with our feathered friend.

Tyler and I drop the boys off every thursday evening to his parents, so we can have some "us" time. Wouldn't you know, we randomly visit pet shops/stores to admire the cute animals frequently during this time. Its just a fun and free activity. But nearly two weeks ago, it wasn't free :) . Tyler and I were admiring 2 of the birds at the pet store. they were all baby parakeets, just a few months old. This is the first time where I was the one resisting an animal purchase, and Tyler was just smitten with the one bird. The one I liked got lost in all the other birds, so i took to liking Tyler's pick, b/c it was the different one. all the other parakeets were vivid colors of green yellow blues and purple-blues. This one was a washed out blue with a light gray. gorgeous bird...and i was never a bird lover or anything. (i later looked it up, and apparently the bird would be considered to have "dilute" markings..a recessive type thing)

Tyler had his heart set on this one. Its cere, the portion above the beak was a bright pink, indicating a girl. so we got her, a cage, all sorts of different things. We drove in the car thinking how fun it would be to name her a people we decided on "kim". We got home, and got to bed late after getting the boys to bed, and setting Kim up and making her comfortable new home! We made sure to put her in our dining room, to minimize drafts from the doors, since parakeets get respiratory infections easily, i read.

The next morning, and from there on after, Kim's cere was bluish purple...indicating a boy. So Tyler and I decided on the name Kevin instead, thinking about the bird in the movie UP, and that bird was named Kevin although a girl. so we thought kevin would be fine either way haha.

Anyway, the days went on, and kevin began chirping as he got used to his surroundings. we put food in his dish, and always made sure there was water. Tyler worked ith him multiple times a day to get him used to his hand in the cage. he never once tried to bite anyone. he got out of the cage once, and i finally got him by laying a towel over him when he landed and very gently scooping him up and placing him back in his cage. we changed the newspaper in the tray, and noticed how much birds poop haha! We even covered his cage at night as they prefer.

Everything seemed fine. a few days ago, i noticed he appeared "fatter" which i now know wasnt the case at all...his feathers were ruffled, but he was actually wasting away. I had even made the comment to tyler that he must be enjoying his food-although it seemed to be scattered all over the bottom all the time, i assumed those were just the shells of the seeds he should be eating. the water level did go down very slowly though.

this morning he seemed even fatter, and was sitting on a perch, and chirping, but i didnt take much time today to look at him and talk with him like i usually do, b/c tyler and i were busy with the boys, and getting things ready to go away for the afternoon and evening. I do recall glancing at his cage right before we left to my grandparents, and seeing him sitting on the bottom of the cage. but it just didnt register at the time that that was unusual for him. I came back home (my parents drove me, as tyler went to work for the night) and was locked out of our house. after finally getting back in and setting my things down, and taking the boys upstairs. i looked in the cage and was in shock.

kevin had the water bowl sitting crooked, and the food bowl was on the bottom of the cage, with a mess all around. he was sitting quietly in the corner. his feathers were very...unhealthy...looking, and his head was cocked funny, as if he didnt have the strength to hold it up. i immediately started to cry, b/c you just know when something bad is about to happen. i opened the cage and instantly my thoughts were confirmed that something was very wrong, since he didnt even flinch or try to move away from me as usual. in fact, he let me just pick him up. i touched his chest and felt how scary boney he was, and that as big and poofy as his feathers were, he was wasted away to almost nothing.

i sat him down. i picked him up. i paced. i grabbed food and held it to him. he would blink. but he eventually got too weak to hold his body up, and just layed on the bottom of the cage. but i still saw him breathing. i called the neighbors, no one answered, looked outside, realized no one was home. i dunno why i needed someone there. i knew it was inevitable he was going to die. i just couldnt bear doing nothing while he was still breathing. i called my friend megan and started bawling saying i didnt know what to do. i basically vented. she was at work, and i needed to get the boys to bed, so we hung up. it was nice to hear someone elses voice. at this point the boys are playing upstairs and its bedtime. but i just couldnt put them to bed yet. not while a life is slipping away in my home.

i went outside took some deep breaths and wnt to the other neighbors. they didnt laugh at me, or make me feel stupid. she brought her phone and phone book and came in my toddler destroyed house and tried to talk to me, and called multiple vets. none were of any help. she was on the phone for a little while. and during this time i went to the basement and brought up a heating pad we rarely use, and put it on the counter, and grabbed a cozy hand towel and a tupperware container. i was going to warm kevin up in the towel, place it in the container as a kind of nest, and place that on the heating pad set on very low. she was hanging up with the vet, and i was crying, holding him in my hands in the towel. he flustered his feathers, turned his head. blinked and looked at me....then he closed his eyes. i placed him in the container, only to realize he had stopped breathing seconds before. i was heart broken. a life slipped right out of my hands.

i walked my neighbor back to her house and she hugged me as i continued to sob. but i also felt a small amount of relief. that i wouldnt have to panic of what to do any longer. my son poked his head out the front door to the porch, and said "where kebin go? what kebin DOIN?" i sobbed and said kevin went bye byes to the sky. and he looked to the sky and said "bye bye kebin bye bye butterfly...momma kebin up der!?" i said yes blake. and said thank you to my neighbor. i put the boys to bed, and now i am writing this b.c it makes me feel a lot better. i still feel lousy...but lighter at least.

i am still wondering what kevin died from. at first i was thinking he starved to death, making us think he was eating and there were shells on the bottom of his cage, but not actually eating....but then i realized he pooped quite a bit. then i thought of the dehydration....and im still not sure. but i think the most likely thing, and especially since they are prone to a respiratory infection, which made him eat less, and waste away, not having strength anymore. his feathers decieved us into thinking he was largr than life. but in all reality i know now that he was sick days ago. and for this i feel guilty. had i known, i would have taken him to the vet right away. but regardless a life is lost, no matter how small...and this family is mourning it.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Surrogacy Diaries...6 GREAT NEWS!

So I was feeling really discouraged last time we talked ;)

But I finally have the news I was waiting for...and its awesome!! It feels so good to finally have good news. I do have *some* negative thoughts in my head though, which I will share later on in this passage. So I have been waiting and waiting and WAITING to hear from my agency, telling me whether I have been approved or declined to move forward with the clinic they had in mind...that they "knew" would accept me.

I FINALLY got the email I had been waiting for. "good news" it was entitled, and when seeing it paired with my lawyers email name, I felt my heart thud. This is what Ive been waiting so anxiously for for WEEKS!!! The ONE day I didn't check my email for hours lol. Above it, there was an email from the agency coordinator entitled "good news" as well. I opened the one from my trusted lawyer first. It explained how I have been approved as a surrogate to move forward with the testing process with this clinic. I was elated!!! I then opened the message from My coordinator saying that he was thrilled to get to work with me and that I have been matched with C-the IF...and his wife....WAIT WHAT??

I wasn't matched yet....I mean I knew they wanted to match me to this couple but I wasnt aware that it was official nor did I ever phone-meet with I was a little confused...I emailed the name with a question mark...They said OH! meet C...and his wife (who apparently doesnt speak english so he does most of the surrogacy related stuff) A chinese couple, who are going to use an egg donor and the IF's sperm, and do PGD (Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis) to get boy baby(s). I was sent the profile, and told that we are going to be matched unless of course we find something we completely disagree on. I have to admit, I really liked their profile, and all their preferences. I didnt really mind the PGD thing, although a touchy topic for some. 

They said that a phone conference call would be made to make sure the IP's and I are on the same page, and answer any questions about eachother we may have, and to decide officially if we want to work with eachother or not. based on our basic beliefs and opinions however, so far it looks like a yes. 

So I am excited as you may have gathered :o) ... there is one thing I am a little worried about though, but I cant make an accurate assumption until IVE experienced it. The clinic, which I googled, has almost nothing but negative reviews...the chief reasons being, it is chaotic, they can be unorganized-going as far as missing womens' ovulation times sometimes, for not returning calls and explaining consistently what the next steps are. I prolly read the same things in reviews 30 times. and only found 2 reviews that were positive. So now I am not sure what to think, although like i said, i will be anxious to check it out for myself, and form my own opinion. I think having an agency will help too, because if it is as the reviews describe, I will need someone whose got my back and can push them to call me or whatever :o)

So yeah! thats my good news :o) And I should be hearing back from the clinic soon on when and where to get labs drawn (bloodwork) to begin the testing phase!!! :o) then the next phase would be medications, and the transfer following! YIPPEEEEEE :D