Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Surrogacy Diaries 13: 2nd Transfer, Results, Now What?

Well I am feeling out of the writing mood lately so sorry for the scant posts. I just wanted to update yall. I did have my second FET (frozen embryo transfer) with another 5 day blastocyst hatchling. It was average quality maybe on the down side of average. Yes only one. I had my beta and i am NOT pregnant. AGAIN. It is so frustrating. I am trying to help a couple here, and always conceived easily. but IVF is a whole nother ball game. To me, I feel horrible for all the people who are going through ivf for themselves, b/c it doesnt even work for fertile women half the time! (and i do NOT mean that in an offensive way...more an empathetic/sympathetic one).

In my case so far they said it was likely the embryos, even though they PGD them and they were "normal". They do have one more male embryo left. But it makes me wonder, do they transfer the best first, worst last? Cuz if that is the case, how would the last one even stand a chance if the first two didnt make it??

I just started my period today. (stopped meds on sunday). My IF has a meeting with the clinic next week about what they think should happen. and if he should continue using me (which would suprise me if they dont since everything on my end looked right where they wanted it). I have made peace with either decision really. If they decide to try one more time with me i will be more than happy to do that for my now friends :) But if they dont, there will be no hard feelings and I will be matched (according to my agency) with another couple in hopes that im more compatible with their embryos. I have also begun to consider traditional surrogacy for the future. One in which I would inseminate myself with the IFs sperm, and my egg would be used. yes, it would be genetically connected to me. however, the baby is being created FOR the IPs and its place would be in their loving home. Of course I would allow the child to come looking for me if they had any health questions someday etc. but its just an option.

First thing is first. lets see how the meeting pans out next week. depending on the content of that situation, I will update you then, even if its a little paragraph letting you know whether or not i am continuing with these same intended parents. so long for now!! In a few days (black friday??) I will possibly be doing a post on how you can get some cool free stuff and cash. just a little something i do as a stay at home mom to bring in some extra $$

Thanks for readin!

Monday, October 24, 2011

Surrogacy Diaries 12...The 1st Transfer, and Updates :o)

Well since I am a procrastinator by nature, I made my blogging ten times harder for myself today lol.

So after my transfer almost 2 months ago, I went home, rested, but mostly went on as normal. I obsessed about the results to the point it made me not sleep. I tested multiple times every day, and every evap line became a line, and even others saw them. But the fact of the matter was, I was not pregnant. I knew 7dp5dt in the morning when i tested with a first response and didnt even get an evaporation line. My clinic also does beta levels 7dp 5 day transfers. so I KNEW....but it didnt soften the blow when the coordinator from the clinic called and said "Elizabeth, I am sorry to say you are not pregnant. Please stop all Medications and in about a week you will likely start bleeding and we can begin the process for the next transfer IF the IPs want to do so"

IF? Oh man...what if they are mad at me? I took all medications PERFECTLY, and got pregnant the first try both times, what does this mean? what did i do??

I felt so guilty.

I waited, and that evening i got a text from my IF saying : I heard the results, lets keep the faith and try again. I dried my tears and felt much better. Extremely bummed to say the least. That was a Thursday. It did not take me a week to start a period. it took two days. Saturday after my beta I began my period, and to my suprise, although I had tons more cramps than a regular cycle for me, I had a medium to med-light period which last 4 to 5 days. I found this odd, as my lining was over ten for the transfer, and usually my periods are much heavier than that. but it didnt matter. the following week I was sent to NYC to have a hysteroscopy. This is where they go in for a visual of the uterus and take a small biopsy to make sure everything is still good, and d/c anything out that needs to come out if necessary. I went, they put me under, and woke up 20 minutes later. Everything was perfect and normal. I felt fine, with minimal cramping but took some pain injection they gave me anyway, so i could relax...which was a bad idea cuz i felt nauseated for about 3-4 hours. my friend that came with me on the overnight trip made sure we got lunch and the same day as my procedure we got on the train to head home. i layed around a lot for the next day or so just feeling "off".

After all this it was time to get an ultrasound a week later (CD26?). My lining was a ten again, the tech told me i had a perfect reproductive system lol.. and the following morning i took my lupron depot injection. this time it hurt (i did it in my thigh, and it was the regular kind, not pre-mixed by the clinic and a much bigger needle than last time as well) but i gave it to myself again just cuz i like knowing that i can do that :P. I got my period the following day. This time it was extremely heavy for about 4 days then 3 day medium to light. on day 4 of my cycle (2-3 days later...) I began estrogen 2mg 2X daily. Still on that dosage for now.

I talk about my hormone side effects in this video

Now I wait til this friday the 28th (which will be 14 days after my lupron injection) for a 10AM ultrasound and pregesterone and estrogen blood levels. Friday afternoon I should have a better idea of when the transfer is, but if my body cooperates its looking like the second week of November. just 2 short weeks away!!! I am a little stressed about finding someone to stay with the boys overnight for two nights since tyler works nights that week. I am looking for someone now though, so i dont have to worry. I am really hoping this transfer is it, and the little one wants to stick around :o)

Thanks so much for reading my blog :) I will update here as well as youtube soon!! If you are interested in adding me on facebook, my name is Liz Seibert, from PA. if i recognize you from youtube or whatever, ill add you :o)

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Surrogacy Diaries 11... 5 day hatched blastocyst transfer!

Well, I already know the results of the transfer, which I will be making another post on!

I was not able to do a blog post/videos this past week as I had planned b/c my computer charger went to sh*t and I couldn't charge my computer. Luckily my hubby had a secret savings stash (he always does this so i dont touch it lol) and got me a new one!!! Bless him.

Ok so I finally got all the arrangements made for my trip to the clinic in NYC for the transfer. My sister in law was going to stay at our home at night for the two nights, while tyler worked, and during the day he would sleep when they sleep and watch them. The train however, was cancelled right when i got to the train station due to the crazy floods that swept across PA. I almost panicked when the man at the front desk said that if i hurried, i could catch the bus to NYC. I made it to the bus in time thank goodness. On my way to NY, there was a young man sitting next to me and we just chatted (he had a thick NY accent lol) the whole way and it made time pass quickly.

I arrived at the station about 5:15 pm . I was meeting the IPs in the hotel lobby to go to dinner at 7pm. I stood out front trying to catch a cab, but the ppl who are used to doing in dominated that sporting event, and a half hour later I mapped it on my phone and realized (oops) it was only two blocks to my hotel. so with my luggage, off I went. I got to my room on the 14th floor and was kind of suprised. It definitely was not one of their renovated rooms for sure haha. Very plain and simple...which is fine...with some things i tried to overlook. so I settled in. Then the toilet wouldnt flush and the ac wasnt working. I called about it and they said they would come up while I went to dinner.

I went down to the lobby and waited for a while, kicking myself because in all the madness of trying to prepare my family for me being gone- I had never picked up a gift for them! (so mad at myself for that).
But it was what it was. They finally came in all smiles and everything I imagined them to be :) They were an adorable couple too. They had made reservations at a local fancy restaurant we walked to. It was french mostly, and I had no idea what the menu said so I chose my 4 courses, and whispered to the waiter "was any of that raw food?" he smiled and said no, so i figured i was good lol. I ate a salad of seaweed with strange caviar looking berries and blue cheese with a vinegar sauce. I also had a pork tenderloin over butternut squash puree and cooked raisin sauce and then an apricot cheesecake (omg). They then presented me with multiple gifts (so freaking sweet!) including an umbrella, a coach purse, and a bunch of Chinese goodies for the boys and Tyler. We said our goodbyes after a great meal, and great conversation. I went to my room.

My toilet was still clogged, so I used the lobby bathroom, and went to bed. I woke up at 8, and was to be at the clinic at 930 for a ten o clock transfer. I called again about my toilet and they said they would fix it so a man came in and unclogged it and replaced parts. I assumed it was working again. It was about a 20 minute walk (since getting a cab intimidates me now lol) so I headed out around 845 in case I got lost. My feet got kind of blistered b/c i had flip flops on lol. I finally got to the area and didnt see the clinic anywhere. I finally called the front desk and it turns out i was practically on their front step to the building they are in. Nothing in NYC ever has signs!!! they are just buildings standing proud, assuming you will know what is inside lol.

I went up and the elevator opened up to this posh/modern/sleek waiting room, where I electronically signed in. I felt like I was in a movie. I waited for about 25 minutes, and they finally called me back. I signed a bunch of papers stating that they were transferring one 5 day male thawed blastocyst hatchling. They showed me a picture of an amoeba shaped glob with irregular edges...and immediately i was that what its supposed to look like? lol. What I actually said out loud was "Is this considered a good quality embryo?" She hesitated a bit, and said well, yeah, its already hatched....and then changed the subject...

She showed me to my locker and had me change into a cap gown and booties for the transfer, with nothing on from the waist down. I took some photos of myself cuz it was fun, and locked all my things away. I waited for about 15 minutes, a nurse came out and took me back to the procedure room. She had me lay in this reclined chair, with leg stirrups, and put my legs up. I was then exposed "down there" completely. I was hoping they would put a drape over me but didnt. People were bustling in and out of the room...luckily paying no mind to my girl parts that were lifted into the air. they confirmed my name and birthdate, and then the Dr. came in.

He told me I was young! Which I already knew. haha. And asked me how I felt.

Dont be nervous! no needle! no shot! no knife!


They loaded the embryo into the catheter and into the syringe. and I watched this on the lcd they had on the wall. The Dr meanwhile put a speculum inside me, opened me up, and rinsed out that area and my cervix. he Then inserted a catheter to open up my cervix. For none of this process was my bladder full, and there was no ultrasound used. He placed the embryo into my womb, looking at the ceiling in a thoughtful manner...i suppose since he didnt have an ultrasound to guide him, just his experience and the hopes that my uterus was shaped and tilted like every one else's ? At that point I wondered if I should mention my tilted uterus. But with the amount of testing they have done, I figured they already knew, and I kept my mouth shut. He handed the tech the syringe and catheter and the tech cleared it out into the petri dish and confirmed that the embryo was in fact placed. They left, and the nurse had me walk to the recovery area.

I was laying there long am I going to wait in this dark cubicle with no magazines?? But just then the nurse comes in with a syringe/needle and I defensively asked what that was lol. She said an HCG shot of 600 mg to aid in implantation. I was like oh how long will that be in my system for? She said one to two days.

She told me to continue on my prometrium 200mg 4 times a day and my estrogen 2mg 3 times a day until otherwise instructed. After 20 minutes of laying down, they escorted me to my things, and I got dressed, went to the bathroom, and came out to ask if I should be on bedrest. They said that I can lay down and rest if I want, but that I can go about my normal activity after the transfer since for some women the stress of bedrest is counterproductive- and to improve circulation. I like bedrest though lol. Oh well. So I compromised and went back to my hotel room (my IF picked me up from the transfer and took me on a tour of manhattan.) and layed down for 2 hrs and decided to go across the street to eat some pasta. But first, I had to pee. My toilet was still clogged. So I went down to the front desk and asked for the manager.  He said they will try to fix it one more time and that if it didnt work they would give me another room.

I went and got food and came back and only then someone else came in to try and unclog the toilet. they said it was fixed. so later TMI!!!!!!! I had to poop. And ill be damned if i was gonna poop and it be clogged and watch someone stair at my poop :0!! so I peed, tested the toilet and it was clogged again. OMG! this isnt so relaxing...

So I went through this huge deal to get switched to another room so I could poop in peace (dammit). This room was a lot cleaner appearing and nicer, but still pretty i said- im totally cool with that. But this time it was on the street side of the building. I unpacked, and settled in. My IPs brought me some pineapple juice (said to help with implanting) some fresh blueberries and grapes, and 2 monster slices of pizza. My kind of ppl lol! I looove italian food! They eventually left, and decided very kindly that since the flooding in pa was still a mess, that he would personally drive me home! HOW SWEET?!

I hung out in my room the rest of the evening/night and went to sleep. I woke up, packed up, and checked out...and went across the street to a grill for breakfast (which was awesome, btw) and waited for my IF to pick me up. We left and made good time to our home. two rest stops along the way. My IF gushed about how beautiful our town was and "high end"...I laughed and said thank you, but for "this area" this is NOT high end. It is a good starter town though. He met Tyler and gave us two toys for our boys (they were napping) and we all said our goodbyes and good lucks, and he left. And I crashed. Traveling is tiring!!!

More to come....

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Surrogacy Diaries 10... Transfer is set!!

UPDATED IVF Med Timeline/Protocol

LMP/CD1- Wed July 20th

CD 10 Ultrasound/labs- Frid July 29th

Ovulation CD16/17- Thurs/Fri Aug 4th/5th

Labs CD 20 -Aug 8th

One Time Lupron Depot shot, given to self in thigh, CD 21- August 9th

Start Estrace one, 2mg pill, once a day starting CD23- Aug 11th

Ultrasound/labs CD4/6 (if 28/30 day cycle)- Wed August 24th (lining 7.3)

Increase Estrace to two, 2mg pills per day (on 24th)

Increase Estrace to three, 2mg pills per day (on Aug 28th)

Ultrasound/labs - Thursday September 1st 2011 (lining- 10mm YEAY!)

Start Progesterone Vaginal Suppositories on Saturday Sept. 3rd 4X daily

Ultrasound/labs- Wed September 7th 

TRANSFER: Thursday September 8th 2011 at 10AM

24 hrs bedrest.


So I started my estrace 3 times per day this past sunday, and today I had my ultrasound and bloodwork done. My lining was a 10 which is great for transfer! They told me to start progesterone saturday (see above) four times a day!! can you say mess?? lol I am going to be taking a train to NY wed night after my final monitoring and staying at a hotel, and then having the transfer thursday morning. I will then stay at the same hotel for 24 hrs of bed rest. This is SO EXCITING!!!!!! AHHH!!!!! I cant wait to meet all the ppl at the clinic and see my IPs!! :D Just a little update :o)

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Surrogacy Diaries 9. My FET Timeline/Protocol, Monitoring, Injection, AF, What's to come...

I am going to note my timeline in the beginning of each post, so that people may compare...however I must warn you that each person/clinic is different, and sometimes, aside from their varying protocols, they also adjust medications and timeframes with how your body reacts.

So here it is thus far. Our (my IP's) (ivf) FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) Timeline and/or Protocol (with our specific clinic in NYC:

TERMS: LMP- last menstrual period ; CD- cycle day ; IVF- in vitro fertilization ; FET- frozen embryo transfer ; AF- "aunt flo" or PERIOD lol

LMP/CD1- Wed July 20th

CD 10 Ultrasound/labs- Frid July 29th

Ovulation CD16/17- Thurs/Fri Aug 4th/5th

Labs CD 20 -Aug 8th

One Time Lupron Depot shot, given to self in thigh, CD 21- August 9th

Start Estrace one, 2mg pill, once a day starting CD23- Aug 11th

AF happened! 8-15-11 (this is the cycle we are doing the FET in!! YIPPEEE)

Ultrasound/labs CD10- Wed August 24th (scheduled)

So since that ultrasound, I had blood work 10 days later...Those results were great, so they instructed me to give myself the lupron injection they mailed to me (which i had to go to my old apartment to get lol) so I did on tuesday evening (9th) and I was allowed to give it to myself in my thigh...i know some ppl are gonna get on my case about it but my Dr said it was cool, so thats what i did! My lupron was pre-mixed, and I had a 1.75 inch needle. i believe it was 23guage. I will link a video of me giving myself the injection here:

I sounded kinda mean to Tyler, but he yelled LIZ! and so I was like what?? lol....and then he said he was going to pass out or vomit and so i was like uhhh get to the toilet lol! He doesnt do well with needles. 

So then two days later I began taking Estrace (hormone estrogen) 2mg, once a day. This seems different from a lot of people, but they did say my estrogen was a good number already so maybe this is why? Plus I started taking it sooner than a lot of people do. They also mailed the progesterone suppositories, which are in our refridgerator lol. They dont HAVE to be refridgerated, but it helps keep them together better. I did call to see if its okay to have them be room temp for a while, because I have a trip in a week and I dont want to deal with ice packs and TSA and such. They did say it was fine, as long as it isnt warm.

So all this past weekend I have been cramping, and last night I got my period (cd 25 :/) but they said this is totally fine. It is not light ... just a normal period. I am feeling super tired from it but I always do. So next week, on wed the 24th, I go for my ultrasound/bloodwork (cd10) and see where we are at and we can get a better understanding of when we will have the transfer...most likely a week or two from then. They said AROUND sept 5th. I do not know just yet when I am to start the progesterone suppositories, but like i said, i will know more next wed or thurs.

Also I was told they have two frozen, male(yes they were PGD'd) blasts. Do not know about quality. I think they will transfer both. WISH MY IPs LUCK!!! give em a break, mother nature! :)

That is PRETTY MUCH it I believe. I know yall just love my lack of punctuation, but with my laziness, and carpal tunnel (when i type a lot like this) id rather just do as little as possible....this coming from an english honors student LOL.

So we are truckin along!!

I would say the transfer will be in around 2.5-3 weeks give or take a few days.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Surrogacy Diaries 8...Testing, CD10 Baseline Ultrasound, and Monitoring

Oky dokie.

Been a while! How YOU doinnn?

Anyways, I will try and start where I left off. After a few more paperworks/faxes, Tyler's infectious disease blood testing (which was fine), I finally got my period on July 20th 2011. This is where the fun begins!! I was told to not start a new pack of birth control (in turn, my period was slightly longer, but ah well). I was informed that the egg donor's retrieval was the following monday, and that the friday following that, I was to have an ultrasound, and bloodwork. The ultrasound was to measure everything and anatomy of my baby factory. And to check my lining (Cycle Day 10-which wouldnt be too much at that point but for a baseline for them to see what they are working with). The bloodwork was one tube to check my estrogen and progesterone which were right where they should be.

I went in for the ultrasound, pretty hurried of course, and gave her the orders which had both the bloodwork and ultrasound on them, and they did all of that right there. I was escorted back to the US room, and laid down (with an extremely full bladder, mind you) and she checked the top of my uterus and everything else she could see. she then had me empty my bladder and come back and undress for the transvaginal us. she put it in and started checking off the different views of my uterus, asked me questions, and told me that everything looked perfect and that i have a "beautiful baby factory" lol....oh and she was preggo. She said to me as she was finishing up, that my lining was 4mm which is good for my cycle day, (its in range for cd10) and told me that they have surros come in at least twice a week. this somewhat surprised me, being the conservative amish community we live in. I got my one tube drawn and left.

I later called my clinic, to which they returned my call. She said that everything looks great and that i will ovulate next week, and i will then have bloodwork the following week to confirm i ovulated, then they will send me a lupron depo shot (to stop my natural cycle, and to stop ovulations after this one). I think i might take this one in particular to a local nurse to give it to me, only b/c its a "big needle" as she put it, and its intramuscular. the rest i will be fine with. she also said we will likely then have an ultrasound again, and probably put me on estrogen pills to make me extra fluffy hahaha. but seriously.

Then I asked her when my transfer will be approx. she said well right now i can definitely say it will be sometime (and probably in the beginning or middle) of september 2011. Which is what i expected for an answer. I also asked her if that was the only time i would be going to their NYC clinic instead of doing things local. She said no, that i would be coming up there once before sometime in the next couple weeks so they can meet me, and check me out and do some follow up on me, so they can get an idea of my body, and what they will be working with also.

I cant express how excited i am to do this. I emailed my IPs (my IF in particular- he knows more english) and asked how the egg donor's retrieval went, and how the embryos/PGD testing went/is going. He replied (they are so friendly i love it!) and said the retrieval went well, but he doesnt know anything regarding the embryos, and that he would let me know when he does! Fingers crossed for at least to great quality baby boy embryos lol!!

In case you were wondering, this will be a frozen transfer :)

I will maybe do another update in a week (2 max).


Thursday, June 9, 2011

Surrogacy Diaries...7 Testing, Testing, Testing

Alright!!! We are finally starting to get the ball rolling!! Last week was 15 tubes of blood drawn, a urine test, and reviewing the first copy of the contract. This week, I got to speak with my IPs, and today Tyler and I had a phone consult with a psychologist to profile us as to whether or not we are fit for this process.

Speaking with my IPs went better than imagined, and was never once awkward. My IF, "C" was very talkative and outgoing. He made it clear that he wanted nothing but the best for me while I was pregnant. He joked that if I needed something moved, instead of heavy lifting, he would drive down and do it for me haha. His Chinese accent was noticeable, but I thought it was cute! My IM showed up from work early so I got to speak with her a bit as well, although she has a little less english experience than "C" she tried as best she could. They were just so sweet! I kept thinking in my head "awww" haha. At one point we decided that we should all meet possibly before the transfer, and IM said "yah, we can stay for a few...months..?" and I hesitated a little until I realized she meant hours during the day , and we all decided to do a meetup soon with lunch and maybe a day at the park to relax.

Then today we had a phone call from the psychologist scheduled for noon. we were getting ready to leave the house and i had initially missed the call....I forgot it was Thursday already!! I immediately called her back and we talked on the way to my grandparents, even though our small old car is fairly noisy and I had to repeat myself several times. Then my phone died 20 minutes into it but we luckily reached our destination in time for me to call back and finish it off. DESPITE THAT haha, we had a GREAT phone consult. She asked for both of us to share our family history, places or born/raising etc. How close we were with our families, what they thought, how we both felt, if we had any reservations. Stuff like that. But when I felt weird with one of my answers, she said "no. not weird...just sounds like a great surrogate mother to me." which I am not gonna lie, it made me feel good :) I know i havent done anything yet, but it was encouraging :)

She was so friendly and pleasant and I almost enjoyed talking about the things she asked. It was fun! I swear, people probably think I am nuts for how excited I am to be questioned by these ppl, and get my body poked and prodded, and take meds. The whole process is just so amazing and fascinating, that I am just soaking up every minute. I know it prolly wont always be this smooth or easy...but let me tell you, I am enjoying the ride :o)

Waiting to hear what the next step is, since everytime i ask what it will be, they say something i have already taken care of. my lawyer said she was shocked at how on top of things i am, and that its making it so much easier on everyone....i agree! it is making things less stressful for me, when i just knock things off the list!

Talk soon! :)

Sunday, June 5, 2011

PGD- Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis

I have MANY questions (not to mention opinions) thrown at me regarding this sensitive topic, since many of you are aware my IP's will be doing this. So I am going to bring information to you as well as my thoughts and perspective, with the hopes that you will gain a bit of insight and not be so quick to judge :)

PGD (preimplantation genetic diagnosis) Definition: "Preimplantation genetic testing is a technique used to identify genetic defects in embryos created through in vitro fertilization (IVF) before pregnancy. Preimplantation genetic diagnosis (PGD) refers specifically to when one or both genetic parents has a known genetic abnormality and testing is performed on an embryo to determine if it also carries a genetic abnormality"-(Molina B Dayal, MD, MPH)  

It can also technically be used to create a particular gender embryo to what the media has dubbed "designer babies" - where people use the method to achieve special characteristics they want to bring out in their to-be child.

For some, this method is immoral, or unethical. In my IP's doesn't matter. it is cells from their body after all..and I don't feel I have a say in the matter. And frankly, if it bothered me, I wouldn't be a surro for them. But for some reason- I am able to have an open mind about it. This coming from a person who is strongly against any abortion for any reason. 

In this specific case, the IPs are chinese, and not only are they using PGD to ensure that only healthy embryos are implanted, they would also like to have male children. I cannot say for sure that their culture is fueling their decision, but even if it thoughts are that if I am going to be a surrogate for someone, my DNA or not, I would want to do it only for parents that can provide a safe and loving environment. In certain cultures it would be much easier to be a boy. And even safer. So if I know that the male baby I will be carrying is going to be treated with respect and dignity, that will make me have peace. And would RATHER that than giving birth to one or more females that dont get the treatment they should. See my point?

Another thing people are quick to judge about is the choosing gender part...but who is to say they arent just using PGD as a reassurance tool, and only because they CAN- they choose their preferred gender. And to address those that are saying it isnt following the bible. Personally, I believe my christian God created the science and guided the Dr's hands to be able to do this for a reason. These people have been through so much heartache already...why not spare a little agony and give them the best chance at having the child they dreamt of?


  •  In most cases, results are available within 24 hours. 
  • During the actual process, PGD embryos may fail, however, after the process is performed there won't be any after effects on the embryo.
  • *some* schools of thought suggest that it can increase the chance of the embryo splitting into identical twins. 
  • PGD can raise likelihood of implantation do to the confirmation chromosomal normality.
  • PGD may or may not reduce the quality of an embryo. It highly depends on the skill of the person performing the procedure. Rarely does it take embryo quality down more than one level.
  • PGD has more accurate ways of telling embryo quality. Many times "excellent" embryo quality can actually only be poor or fair- b/c unless you perform PGD, you won't know any of the defects it may have...including that of not being able to properly implant.
  • PGD can reduce likelihood of needing to abort since you will already know the fetus's general "health".

All of that being said I do feel there can be times where PGD is not necessary nor appropriate. I hope some of this helped you understand a little about PGD, or at least open your mind to the procedure :o)

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


I do not care if people laugh at this post, because i am talking about a needn't read further. This post IS in fact dedicated to our pet bird, Kevin, who died tonight at 8:37pm. Rest In Peace Kevin. This is our story of the beginning to the end with our feathered friend.

Tyler and I drop the boys off every thursday evening to his parents, so we can have some "us" time. Wouldn't you know, we randomly visit pet shops/stores to admire the cute animals frequently during this time. Its just a fun and free activity. But nearly two weeks ago, it wasn't free :) . Tyler and I were admiring 2 of the birds at the pet store. they were all baby parakeets, just a few months old. This is the first time where I was the one resisting an animal purchase, and Tyler was just smitten with the one bird. The one I liked got lost in all the other birds, so i took to liking Tyler's pick, b/c it was the different one. all the other parakeets were vivid colors of green yellow blues and purple-blues. This one was a washed out blue with a light gray. gorgeous bird...and i was never a bird lover or anything. (i later looked it up, and apparently the bird would be considered to have "dilute" markings..a recessive type thing)

Tyler had his heart set on this one. Its cere, the portion above the beak was a bright pink, indicating a girl. so we got her, a cage, all sorts of different things. We drove in the car thinking how fun it would be to name her a people we decided on "kim". We got home, and got to bed late after getting the boys to bed, and setting Kim up and making her comfortable new home! We made sure to put her in our dining room, to minimize drafts from the doors, since parakeets get respiratory infections easily, i read.

The next morning, and from there on after, Kim's cere was bluish purple...indicating a boy. So Tyler and I decided on the name Kevin instead, thinking about the bird in the movie UP, and that bird was named Kevin although a girl. so we thought kevin would be fine either way haha.

Anyway, the days went on, and kevin began chirping as he got used to his surroundings. we put food in his dish, and always made sure there was water. Tyler worked ith him multiple times a day to get him used to his hand in the cage. he never once tried to bite anyone. he got out of the cage once, and i finally got him by laying a towel over him when he landed and very gently scooping him up and placing him back in his cage. we changed the newspaper in the tray, and noticed how much birds poop haha! We even covered his cage at night as they prefer.

Everything seemed fine. a few days ago, i noticed he appeared "fatter" which i now know wasnt the case at all...his feathers were ruffled, but he was actually wasting away. I had even made the comment to tyler that he must be enjoying his food-although it seemed to be scattered all over the bottom all the time, i assumed those were just the shells of the seeds he should be eating. the water level did go down very slowly though.

this morning he seemed even fatter, and was sitting on a perch, and chirping, but i didnt take much time today to look at him and talk with him like i usually do, b/c tyler and i were busy with the boys, and getting things ready to go away for the afternoon and evening. I do recall glancing at his cage right before we left to my grandparents, and seeing him sitting on the bottom of the cage. but it just didnt register at the time that that was unusual for him. I came back home (my parents drove me, as tyler went to work for the night) and was locked out of our house. after finally getting back in and setting my things down, and taking the boys upstairs. i looked in the cage and was in shock.

kevin had the water bowl sitting crooked, and the food bowl was on the bottom of the cage, with a mess all around. he was sitting quietly in the corner. his feathers were very...unhealthy...looking, and his head was cocked funny, as if he didnt have the strength to hold it up. i immediately started to cry, b/c you just know when something bad is about to happen. i opened the cage and instantly my thoughts were confirmed that something was very wrong, since he didnt even flinch or try to move away from me as usual. in fact, he let me just pick him up. i touched his chest and felt how scary boney he was, and that as big and poofy as his feathers were, he was wasted away to almost nothing.

i sat him down. i picked him up. i paced. i grabbed food and held it to him. he would blink. but he eventually got too weak to hold his body up, and just layed on the bottom of the cage. but i still saw him breathing. i called the neighbors, no one answered, looked outside, realized no one was home. i dunno why i needed someone there. i knew it was inevitable he was going to die. i just couldnt bear doing nothing while he was still breathing. i called my friend megan and started bawling saying i didnt know what to do. i basically vented. she was at work, and i needed to get the boys to bed, so we hung up. it was nice to hear someone elses voice. at this point the boys are playing upstairs and its bedtime. but i just couldnt put them to bed yet. not while a life is slipping away in my home.

i went outside took some deep breaths and wnt to the other neighbors. they didnt laugh at me, or make me feel stupid. she brought her phone and phone book and came in my toddler destroyed house and tried to talk to me, and called multiple vets. none were of any help. she was on the phone for a little while. and during this time i went to the basement and brought up a heating pad we rarely use, and put it on the counter, and grabbed a cozy hand towel and a tupperware container. i was going to warm kevin up in the towel, place it in the container as a kind of nest, and place that on the heating pad set on very low. she was hanging up with the vet, and i was crying, holding him in my hands in the towel. he flustered his feathers, turned his head. blinked and looked at me....then he closed his eyes. i placed him in the container, only to realize he had stopped breathing seconds before. i was heart broken. a life slipped right out of my hands.

i walked my neighbor back to her house and she hugged me as i continued to sob. but i also felt a small amount of relief. that i wouldnt have to panic of what to do any longer. my son poked his head out the front door to the porch, and said "where kebin go? what kebin DOIN?" i sobbed and said kevin went bye byes to the sky. and he looked to the sky and said "bye bye kebin bye bye butterfly...momma kebin up der!?" i said yes blake. and said thank you to my neighbor. i put the boys to bed, and now i am writing this b.c it makes me feel a lot better. i still feel lousy...but lighter at least.

i am still wondering what kevin died from. at first i was thinking he starved to death, making us think he was eating and there were shells on the bottom of his cage, but not actually eating....but then i realized he pooped quite a bit. then i thought of the dehydration....and im still not sure. but i think the most likely thing, and especially since they are prone to a respiratory infection, which made him eat less, and waste away, not having strength anymore. his feathers decieved us into thinking he was largr than life. but in all reality i know now that he was sick days ago. and for this i feel guilty. had i known, i would have taken him to the vet right away. but regardless a life is lost, no matter how small...and this family is mourning it.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Surrogacy Diaries...6 GREAT NEWS!

So I was feeling really discouraged last time we talked ;)

But I finally have the news I was waiting for...and its awesome!! It feels so good to finally have good news. I do have *some* negative thoughts in my head though, which I will share later on in this passage. So I have been waiting and waiting and WAITING to hear from my agency, telling me whether I have been approved or declined to move forward with the clinic they had in mind...that they "knew" would accept me.

I FINALLY got the email I had been waiting for. "good news" it was entitled, and when seeing it paired with my lawyers email name, I felt my heart thud. This is what Ive been waiting so anxiously for for WEEKS!!! The ONE day I didn't check my email for hours lol. Above it, there was an email from the agency coordinator entitled "good news" as well. I opened the one from my trusted lawyer first. It explained how I have been approved as a surrogate to move forward with the testing process with this clinic. I was elated!!! I then opened the message from My coordinator saying that he was thrilled to get to work with me and that I have been matched with C-the IF...and his wife....WAIT WHAT??

I wasn't matched yet....I mean I knew they wanted to match me to this couple but I wasnt aware that it was official nor did I ever phone-meet with I was a little confused...I emailed the name with a question mark...They said OH! meet C...and his wife (who apparently doesnt speak english so he does most of the surrogacy related stuff) A chinese couple, who are going to use an egg donor and the IF's sperm, and do PGD (Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis) to get boy baby(s). I was sent the profile, and told that we are going to be matched unless of course we find something we completely disagree on. I have to admit, I really liked their profile, and all their preferences. I didnt really mind the PGD thing, although a touchy topic for some. 

They said that a phone conference call would be made to make sure the IP's and I are on the same page, and answer any questions about eachother we may have, and to decide officially if we want to work with eachother or not. based on our basic beliefs and opinions however, so far it looks like a yes. 

So I am excited as you may have gathered :o) ... there is one thing I am a little worried about though, but I cant make an accurate assumption until IVE experienced it. The clinic, which I googled, has almost nothing but negative reviews...the chief reasons being, it is chaotic, they can be unorganized-going as far as missing womens' ovulation times sometimes, for not returning calls and explaining consistently what the next steps are. I prolly read the same things in reviews 30 times. and only found 2 reviews that were positive. So now I am not sure what to think, although like i said, i will be anxious to check it out for myself, and form my own opinion. I think having an agency will help too, because if it is as the reviews describe, I will need someone whose got my back and can push them to call me or whatever :o)

So yeah! thats my good news :o) And I should be hearing back from the clinic soon on when and where to get labs drawn (bloodwork) to begin the testing phase!!! :o) then the next phase would be medications, and the transfer following! YIPPEEEEEE :D

Friday, April 29, 2011

The Only Regret I Have.

I need to let this one here it is :/

Here i am surrounded by all these people getting married... it is something thats been heavy on my heart for a while now but i never saw the point in bringing it up. i am so thankful for our marriage and our kids and our life. i want to be honest with you. although i think our wedding was cute and neat....i regret not having the wedding i dreamed of growing up. i know it was my idea to just get married sooner than later...but now its proving to be one of the biggest regrets of my life...

it was such a HUGE milestone and we didnt celebrate the way id always dreamed of. im sitting here bawling my eyes out...because i know it will never happen. it is something i posted on a wedding site forum a while ago and am just now reading the responses. i asked if it would be okay to just have a vow renewal/redo so we could have the dress the party and the fun. the result was a big resounding NO! many of the people were very harsh telling me in other words that im being selfish and superficial. I just cant help how i feel. so now that i know that that idea is completely socially unacceptable, im just mourning the loss of a childhood princessy dream of my daddy walking me down the aisle and giving me away.

some people reading this may be rolling their eyes or whatever...but i am very down about it. i know i need to just look forward and move on, but every time i see wedding pictures of people surrounded by all their friends and family and the radiant bride in her beautiful wedding gown, i get a pang in my gut. not jealousy...b/c their wedding isnt what i envisioned....just regret. and i never thought i would have a regret in my life like that. sorry if this is meaningless to the reader.

...its just something i needed to get out.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Surrogacy Diaries...5 Supportive People

Someone asked me (yet again) under my latest video how i could give "up" the baby. I replied, honestly.
If you would like to see the actual comments exchanged, they are some of the very first on this video

Just a little bit ago, I received this sweet message (used with permission). It actually brought a tear to my eye. I love connecting with people, for whatever the reason...

"I just watched your lates video. You are the first woman that I have heard admit that we are not always attached to our babies at birth. I felt that way with all four of my children. I loved them as soon as I knew I was pregnant, but not the way I do now. Hearng this from some one else made me feel less guilty, knowing I'm not the only one. ! tried to be a surrogate for 2 years and I have gone through 3 agencies. The first agency accepted my applcation, but couldn't use me unless they had ALL of my OB records. You would think it would be easy to get since they are yours, but that was not the case. The second agency was okay. They would find me potential matches and then their clinics wouldn't want me because I had a section with my oldest, because my children where too "large", or because they wanted all my records too.After that I decided to try one more agency and if it happened great, if not maybe it wasn't ment to be. I applied at my agency on Jan 1, 2011, and I am now matched:) The contracts have been signed and I fly out for my medical screening on Monday. I wish you the best of luck and I kow it's going to happen for you. Just hang in there:)!!"

I replied with this....

"I always am scared that people will take that the wrong way and think i dont love them. that couldnt be farther from the truth! i LOVE my boys with all my heart...and soul...and then some...but at birth, i just wasnt there. i didnt feel like i knew them. of course i loved them then, but i wasnt attached, nor was i bonded.

I even asked the nurse why i didnt feel like it was my it was some foreign experience.. she said i had no clue how many mothers secretly ask her the same thing. we all want to be the best we can be so we worry that if we arent bonded right away, that it will appear negative in our society.

I just gave up...i cant please everyone. only myself. so i have come to love that quality, because it will enable me to provide someone (i hope) with a gift i have already been blessed with.

may i use your words in my blog? i will NOT put your username or identity in it...i just want people to know that its is normal. If not i understand, but its worth asking :)

let me know when you transfer and how everything goes! you are an inspiration!

have a wonderful weekend!


Guess it pays to just keep it real :)

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Surrogacy Diaries...4 Update and Anticipation

Alright... Since I have last posted, quite a bit has changed in a short period of time. At first, these changes were hurtful (although not intended to be), and I realize that this is just something that God wanted, and I will be led to where I should be.

What has happened?

Well, I sent the IP's my medical records. They were up front with me in saying that my first pregnancy (even though it wasn't that bad) may raise some red flags with their Dr. So when I got the email saying their Dr. reviewed my records and they cannot unfortunately move forward with wasn't a huge shock. But I still shed some tears. I felt so connected with them, so...happy. But even though I don't fully understand why, I am perfectly okay with it now. As my IM told me: "when one door closes another opens". I believe that to be the case. 

So I have made the decision to strictly stick with the lawyer/agency ...I will refer to her as "H" until I have permission to use her name. She truly is a wonderful person. She gave me the profile that same day of a couple who lives in a relatively nearby city (in my state). I told her about what happened with my medical records, and she really didn't see it as being an issue for most, so that relieved me...I am determined to do this for someone!

She sent my profile to that couple, and she emailed me 2 days later saying they LOVED it! YEAY! Here we go again, lol. Oh least I can bond with people easily right?? "H" said the couple would like to have a conference call on friday (tomorrow) at 10AM :D I agreed, as this is when Guy goes down for his morning nap. So it should go smoothly. 

Also, yesterday I had my annual PAP. She did my checkup, my blood pressure was 110/60 .. and at the end shook my hand, and was ready to walk out when I finally had the courage (yes, courage....Dr's stun me into silence for some reason) to say 
"I have a question.."

"Sure- go ahead"

"Uhm..Do you.. Do you think I would be okay to be pregnant again?"

"Hold on" sits down "let me take a look at your chart"...."is there a reason why you feel you shouldnt??"

", haha, its for a surrogate pregnancy...I am ready to do this and just want to make sure its not out of the question for whatever reason"

"Ah..." looks for a couple minutes .. "I dont see why not.." finally looks up from my chart and smiled (me-sigh of relief) "Yeah, I definitely think that it something you could do" 

Then she stared at me for what felt like forever, and I felt like I should be saying something. so I said 
"you must think it is strange..what im doing..then?"

She seemed to snap out of her staring session and smiled big 
"no...actually...I think.. (say it lady) .. its a very selfless thing to do"

Wow took her long enough to say it...and the way she walked towards me i had this strange feeling that she had a woman-crush on me HAHA! Im probably totally wrong, as she is married with 3 boys, and the sweetest of all the Dr's there...but it was just funny how she said it and walked toward me :P

So that made me super duper happy...that my Dr. thinks its something I am fully capable of and healthy enough to do! SUCCESS!

Its the small things that count.

I will update after friday's conference call!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Surrogacy Diaries...3 *MEDICAL RECORDS*


That is what I have to say about my first Dr. (the one I had with Blake's pregnancy and birth, and half of my pregnancy with Jordan....) Many of you have been following me since then, and know how RIDICULOUS they were!! They constantly lost my chart, or pages therein, couldn't get anything right, and were completely lacking in bedside manner (i.e. the midwife who told me to shut up when I was moaning during pushing.)

Well, I never really expected to deal with them again, of course- I forgot I would need them for their records on me for the surrogacy.
GREAT. The very thing they screwed up much of the time. So, I asked for my medical records, they didn't charge me (which was nice) and sent them the next day (which was very nice). What WASNT nice, is how disorganized they seemed when they arrived, and the fact that they didnt READ what was sent to them apparently.

With my first pregnancy with Blake, they speculated that I had 2 TIA's (transient ischemic attacks....aka mini temporary strokes) B/C I had 2 severe migraines that had speech confusion accompanying them. VERY scary, but not harmful, like a TIA. They of course referred me to a neurologist, and they ran a bunch of tests, and ruled out the TIA, as well as stated that I had very severe migraines (with reading too much the day before as possible triggers - i read a 500 page novel in one day lol) with "aura" which is strange symptoms occuring either before or during the migraine. is the part that (pardon me) pisses me off....

They, After recieving this information from the neurologist, CONTINUED to write constantly in my chart that I had a history of TIA's!!! Yea sure, make me look like a prize catch to my IM's Dr. who will be reviewing this. The only good thing about this  is that my neurology report is included (suprisingly).

Then we have the "heat stroke" with "seizures" sitting once or twice in there.....ummmm in 07 I went to a truck show with my current boyfriend, and suffered from heat exhaustion and the shakes....*SIGH* If I have to go to the carlisle hospital (which is kinda far away) to get THOSE records, I will for SURE be outraged at this Dr's office lol.

Next we have the "heart issues"....In the beginning with my pregnancy with Blake, they wanted my entire medical history, so I gave it to them....Including the fainting episodes I had whn I was 14. I had low blood pressure, but did a tilt table test (which I failed- I passed out) but no one ever knew why....after ultrasounds ECG's etc, I was ruled as "fine" palpitations possibly being related to anxiety. I state this one time,....and now it runs rampant through my they send me to a heart Dr. and What do you know....Im fine. Luckily they included that report of I think I would have a heart attack. But yet they still continued to refer to these heart "issues".

And finally the "pre-eclampsia"....I took so many 24 hour urine tests with this Dr.....and NONE of them came back that I was peeing protein or my liver or kidneys were affected....everything was..... yep you guessed it.....FINE. all my levels were normal in every part of the labs included in my records, but my BP was trending upwards, and at the very end was pretty high. yet they still called it preeclampsia here, and hypertension of pregnancy there....But it the hospital induction report, luckily they said that I was brought to be induced b/c of pregnancy induced hypertension.

I seriously think i had high blood pressur b/c of how confusing and unorganized this Dr. was. I am so glad I finally switched. The worst of it all, which the chart does not reflect, is how they talked to me....talked down to me.  I am hoping everything works out. I LOVE the IP's I have, and it would suck to ruin it b/c of my Dr.'s incapabilities.

THANK GOD I switched Doctors, and had a wonderfully smooth pregnancy the second time around. I was able to relax and enjoy it. For that, I am very grateful.

WOW. I feel so much better now that I ranted on here. shew. Plus I wanted to Document every step of this process, so that if I go through it again, I am knowing what to expect. And if you made it this far, Thank you, and you are amazing.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Surrogacy Diaries...2

So....I have an inspiration for writing a blog today :o)

spill it, Liz

You push too hard, really. :P

IM MATCHED!!!! Yes! That's right! Im TAKEN. LoL

Sooo I haven't been talking much since my last update, both video and here, for a reason. I have been trying to decide between parents...a decision I wouldn't wish on anybody!....Its SO hard to pick from a handful of amazing people who are willing to work with you. BUT I am glad I chose who I chose.. well, they chose me too :o). Its so strange. Finding a match is MUCH like dating. You have to kind of "play the field" so to speak. But honesty is SUPER important.

Of course the term "match" goes without saying that its as long as I pass all the Dr tests. "M" Is a mom of one boy ("E") and "A" is the intended father :) We have been emailing back and forth, our lawyer letting us have some space to get to know eachother...all I can say is I love talking with them!!

I got THAT email today saying they officially want to move forward. Right now I am focusing on getting my medical records sent to me, and sending them along to "M" - for her review, and so she can pass them along to her private IVF Doc.

I have my routine Pap on April 6th (cuz i knew you wanted that info :P) and will have those results sent as well.

Then I will most likely be beginning the testing process. Tyler and I both will have to have blood work (me more so than him) to rule out infectious diseases. Once (hopefully) I pass those tests, they will likely to a test to inject dye into my uterus and fallopian tubes to measure the size/shape of my uterus, and make sure it is suitable for pregnancy.

Then, "M" and I will be placed on hormones and birth control to sync up our cycles, so they fall on the same days. Once this happens, they will collect the eggs and sperm of the intended parents and allow them to "do their thing" in a petri dish :D

Once there are several embabies (embryos lol) they will decide on a 3 day transfer or 5 day (this is the age of the fresh embryos, and marks their specific cell dividing stage) and I come into play :). They place up to 3 most likely 2 embabies in my uterus, and I "host" them. They will hopefully implant to the lining of my uterus, and become a viable pregnancy. Most likely there will only be one baby as a result of all this.

Then I continue hormone injections and meds until usually week 12 of the pregnancy, at which time the hormones given off by the placenta are enough to sustain the pregnancy on its own. Before that, the meds are important to "trick" my body into believing it is pregnant and not reject the pregnancy.

Sometimes, as a result of the hormones, Surros tend to get highly emotional, and sometimes "bloat up". This is just a normal temporary part of the whole thing! Once you get to the 3rd/4th month of pregnancy, you'd just carry on as if it were a normal pregnancy!

AHHHH so exciting!!!



TS: traditional surrogate, where the surrogate mother's egg is used. I am NOT a TS.

GS: gestational surrogate, where a sperm and egg formed into an embryo which is not from the surro. I am a GS.

IM or "M": intended mother. use of her first initial is for her protection.
IF or "A": intended father. use of his first initial is used for his protection.
IP or IP's: intended parents.
IB or "E": intended brother (I may have made that up lol). Use of his first initial is used for his protection.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Surrogacy Diaries...

Surrogacy. Some know I am doing it, others are just finding out. There are so many reasons why this is a good fit for me, and I have wanted to do this for a LONG time. Sometimes I get odd looks when I mention it. Or people ignore if they think I am doing this to be "different".
It bothers me how close-minded people can be to this subject. And I wonder why it makes people uncomfortable and seem to squirm in their own skin when I tell them what I am about to do and how excited I am.

Dont get me wrong...I have plenty of supporters, but boy, do people sure get squirmy when I mention this. Some people think that it is wrong from a biblical standpoint. well then, I challenge them to site a verse in the bible (in the correct context) that tells me so.

(silence from their end...)


If anything, I view this as something that will bring me closer to God, and my spiritual path. What a deeply emotional and amazing miraculous thing. I am beyond ecstatic to do this for someone, who YEARNS to become a loving and devoted parent.

Then there are others who have no idea where they stand on the subject. All I can say is, research! If you spend some time looking into it, you will realize that it isnt some strange phenomenon...its a REAL process and there are medication regimens contracts and doctors involved! Maybe its too much technology for some? my opinion. If God didnt want certain diseases or cancers to be cured, he never would have guided the hands of doctors OR the people that created technology in the first place!
I feel like this is God's way of allowing a couple a child that they may otherwise never have had...and he wanted them to walk (and me to walk) this journey for a reason.

So after that little rant. I want yall to know (whoever may be reading this) that this is becoming SUCH a fulfilling idea for me. I know when it is a reality it will be even more so. Im not doing this for attention. Im not doing this to "rebel" (some of the older generation's opinion). I am doing this for the intended parents (IP) and ME. My family (Tyler) are VERY supportive and especially Tyler is beyond thrilled to embark on this pregnancy bit yet again. We simply LOVE being pregnant! but dont LOVE the newborn-ness! haha! People are always saying "When Blake is a toddler, you will miss these times" Sure- I enjoyed moments as they came, but i am RELIEVED he is a toddler LOL!!! The older he gets the more I love him (if thats possible) and the more fun I have as a mom!

I finally got all the estimates (for the birth etc) to the agency this morning. One more check off my to-do list :D

peace and good weekends

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


this is what writer's block looks like :

Sorry just not coming up with anything today lol

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Breastfeeding... Weaning Continued...

So Today may very well be the last time I got to nurse Jordan. What an odd, lonely feeling :o(
I am almost out of milk completely, and I filmed myself nursing him as the "possible last time" and took pictures.

so bittersweet...

I must say I am heartbroken...but at the same time elated. I have no clue what is wrong with me. one minute i love it and one minute i hate it. ugh

So today i tried a bottle of just formula and he seemed to do just fine...which is good right? then why does that bother me so much?...I think i know. but it is still good i guess. However I have quite the freezer stash so I am going to mix them for a while til i use it all up. except when we go out in public and its easier to just carry a bottle of water and put formula scoops in when ready. and at night...out of pure laziness lol, we began to have bottles of water ready to go on our headboard, and formula on my nightstand, to make this transition a little easier.

Especially cuz I have a fever and chills and a sore throat, and now Jordan is waking all night and has a hoarse voice which leads me to believe he has what i have. Blake still has the runny nose. Weird.

I must be crazy mixed up right now. But as much as it would have made sense to take it slow, I cant tolerate dragging things out, so I needed to do it somewhat quickly for my own sanity. In my eyes, Im either BF or FF. not both, too complicated- when you have your hands full as it is. Im always looking for shortcuts and ways to make my days easier...and really...i have.

I guess im just rambling today much like that of a diary so i will let you carry on with more important things :P

Monday, January 3, 2011

Weaning: Much Harder Than I Thought...

Ugh. Im having an emotional battle here with this breastfeeding/weaning business...

While breastfeeding, I loved it... except for feeling tied down. I still feel tied down and it really annoys me. But then there is a part of me that feels so attached to it. like here is this accomplishment I worked so hard at, why give it up now. I dont want ppl telling me my feelings are ridiculous, yet I dont want anyone telling me to continue BF'ing despite the fact that 50% of me wishes to stop.

so as you can see i am torn.
and its for completely selfish reasons too. I have no problem giving a bottle to Jordan in that respect. I know he is getting good nutrition, and he can actually make eye contact with me this way. He doesnt mind it at all. Its that when I give him a bottle, I feel SO jealous of that bottle... that hes not getting nourished from MY breast, or clutching my breast in his hands and being comforted from my own flesh. I miss that when i give him a bottle. Im now worried that I ruined my supply from bottlefeeding him for a day and only pumping 4 times.

so given my supply isnt ruined  from this (and im NOT spending countless hours nursing to build it back up) i may just continue for a little longer, until I am emotionally ready to stop. I see it (weaning)  happening in the near future (ie, about a month or 2 at most)...but I guess so long as my body cooperates, I will make sure im strong enough to let go.

Please, dont get all "you should breastfeed for a long time" on me... I just want to make the decision when it feels right. maybe in a month or so ill try again.

its good that he likes the bottle/formula though.