Monday, December 20, 2010

quirks, problems... whatever you wanna call it.

Just some things some of you may or may not know about me...i dunno if this will make me sound totally psychotic but o well. some of this is not for the squeamish.

I have a lip picking issue. I pick alllll day long everyday. If its bleeding i still keep picking and end up with blood all over my hands. i have done this since i was little and i have no clue why. anxiety? understimulation? dunno. but because i have done this for so long, my upper (center) lip is completely numb from the build up of scar tissue and therefore i can pick even more without feeling pain. also from pushing on it so much to get the little bits of skin off (that i created) my one tooth on top is getting pushed backward. so i have a retainer to try and help keep it where its at.

Also, I have a hair pulling issue.
I pull at all the hair on my body, arm hair, eyebrows, my hairline, you name it. and pull it out in clumps. this IS from stress/anxiety. but even when on meds i still do it from time to time. its so stupid and self destructive but i cannot stop. im like in a trance when i do it and if someone calls me out on it i get super defensive, and irritable with them. this is why most times my arms are shaved. because otherwise i would pull those hairs out all day. its too much of a temptation.

I also have a problem with being overcritical with myself. ill look in the mirror and like many women, not be happy with what i see. but i take it one step further. i obsess about my weight all day, yet still feel compelled to eat A LOT of food. to be honest, i eat about 3000+ calories a really i think i have a fast metabolism and am suprised im not 400 lbs. although 190 isnt good. i also watch my vlogs and grimace when i see how i talk and move my mouth. so weird.

any ideas on how i can get rid of these compulsions? (for  free)

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I Have Weird Dreams!!!

I know its common for people to have weird dreams every now and then... but every night?
This is a summary of my dreams over the past 5 days... does someone have an overactive imagination??

Day 1: I stole 75$ and a hat

Day 2: One of my friends from youtube got violently ill, and couldnt keep anything down, and I was desperate to get her to eat something before she perished.

Day 3: I went on a date with a person im related to :o( (ummm ew!)

Day 4: I couldnt find a parking spot at school and when i finally did it was in the very closest spot to the school entrance and i was just about to pull in when my car shut off and broke down. then a suburban whipped right into my spot. and a girl walking by said "that sucks"

Day 5: I had insatiable thirst and no matter how many cups of water i drank it wouldnt go away. Also I had a dream about crazy bugs and lizards in my house and my husband and i had to stop them before they took over...some of them were even atacking us and it was very suspensful. lol.

Any ideas as to why I have a strange dream every night, and almost always have?

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Money :/, Post Partum Depression Update, and .... School?

k. money sucks. when you dont have it. lol.

when i have money, im pretty sure is DOES buy me happiness haha.

anyhow i just am really relieved to report that on the money front, tyler and i are taking some important steps in managing our money, and trying to fix things as well. It makes us feel good when we handle things appropriately. of course, im not going into personal details on here, but lets just say we are human and arent perfect, but we are certainly beginning our journey to financial freedom.

one of my confessions money-wise... is i am a wendy's addict. yeah, its a problem.

On another front, I went to see my doc about the PPD, and am happy to say that it is going well with the meds i am on, however in a few weeks she would like to see me again in case we may go up in dosage. just to get rid of that last little bit that is lingering around. One of the things i struggled with while dealing with PPD is breastfeeding. i will be doing Jordan's 3 month update and a breastfeeding update soon, as well as a video update, for those of you that prefer that blogging style.

And yet another "thing"...

January=new years resolution. Mine? To begin online schooling to get a degree... and finish my schooling for once in my life. Ive used Penn Foster before, and it is an accredited school, recognized by and ran in the state of PA and is all online. I just didnt finish it last time. like everything else. but im determined this time. im sick of being the girl who doesnt stick with things and finish things i start. What degree? you may ask....  this has yet to be finalized but i am most likely going for my associates degree in Early Childhood Ed.

That is all I have to update ya'll on, but know that there is another blog coming very soon :o)

Question of the (day) Blog post:
Have you thought about a New Years Resolution? (if not- you may wanna start... its right around the corner!) If so, what is it ?!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Oh Facebook Ads, You Continue To Amuse Me

We all see them to the right of our screen... well, facebook users anyway. But how does facebook know allll about us (or think they do?)...

Its all in the demographics, people.

For example, take Sally, who is a 35 year old single woman. Thats all she put into her facebook demographics. and so, naturally she wants hot single doctors and a hollywood drink diet. because apparently if youre 35 and single, youre also fat... and poor.

Or take me, for example, a 21 year old married mother of 2 boys... apparently, i want "free diapers for a year, really!" or "get 32 portraits for 32 percent off!". Or other recipe, homemaking, and BORING ads.

Maybe, facebook... just maybe, i want a pair of stilettos. or maybe, i like to work on cars...

another ?....

when i sign in to my hubbys facebook, to clear his messages for him since he only goes through his phone... why are his ads still "girls gone wild" and, "private chat with wild teen girls" ... apparently facebook needs to up their morals if they think that a 21 year old mom is a frumpy baby machine, but a 21 year old dad didnt have enough sizzle in his life.

just a thought. thats all for today lol.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


Im going to be doing a video about Blake (for his 20 months update) soon, but i just wanted to type up some of the cute or funny or peculiar things he does/says...

hmmm lets see... blake blake blake. he is one of the worlds funniest children in my eyes, of course. just his personality makes me laugh. he lights up so many peoples worlds.

things blake does that are unusual for a toddler:
he LOVES having his nails clipped... he will put out each individual finger for me to clip the nail when he sees me pull out the clippers.
he stands still as a statue to have his hair clipped
he LOVES when he has to take medicine and says mmmm afterwards
he has no problem with naps (thus far) and when i say nap he marches straight to his room. ( i credit lots of "sleep training" when he was a baby for that)
he gets so excited to brush his teeth... and cries when i take the toothbrush away
he likes to notify everyone when he has to poop and does it in the middle of the room with a worried look on his face (most toddlers hide)... he also sometimes wants to hold my hand much like a laboring woman when he pushes :P
he loves to blow his nose
he loves peas, because his first word was ball and we called them "balls" and ever since then he scarfs down his little green balls and loves them... he also loves green beans because he watched me eat them and say "mm"
he will eat ANYTHING .. even if he makes a face, he will try his best to eat the whole portion.
he eats VERY large quantities, and is rarely picky
we have to remind him to sip from his cup during his meal by saying blake can you take a drink? even if his mouth is so dry he can barely swallow.

Just cute stuff...
he calls Jordan "baby guy" because he couldnt say "boy" (at the time) and since then we call Jordan "Guy" all the time... like "can you put Guy in his car seat Tyler?" just casually and we dont think twice about it.. but we always have to explain it when ppl ask why we are calling him that.
we asked him the other day if he knew where Liz was and he pointed to me and tyler and he pointed to tyler...we never knew that he knew us as anything other than momma and dadda.
anything with wings is "buh uh fly" (butterfly) for instance, i was at one of my last prenatal appts during the past pregnancy, and there was halloween window decals in the waiting room. there were pumpkins and bats and witches. he ran over and made everyone there laugh by pointing at the bats and saying excidedly buhuhfly momma buhuhfly....just like snowflakes are "stars" and anything circular (even a circular dent in the wall or a hole somewhere) is "ball"
to jump, he thinks squats are the same thing (he cant get his feet off the ground) and when i say jump he will do these squats until he is so out of breath, then will stand up and look at me with concern and hold his thighs like they hurt lol.

o man i could go on and on... but i will save some for another day when Jordan isnt hungry "this second" :) hope you enjoyed

Friday, November 12, 2010

Post-Partum Depression

Please do not read this if you have a judgmental nature. i need support, not condescending remarks, and i dont need ppl thinking im crazy. i just want to be open about something that is very raw, honest, and painful. please be respectful. thank you!
When i got pregnant with Blake, i was completely naive as to what motherhood would be like. i thought it was going to be a cake walk. everyone said it was hard, but something in my mind just couldnt grasp the fact that being home all day could be hard. and that my emotions and mental state could do things i didnt have control over AT ALL.
I was shocked, when they placed Blake on my chest and i felt distant and cold towards him. i felt like the most awful cold hearted mother alive. i thought it would get better. so the first week went by, and i started falling into this deep depression. i would sit and hold blake and almost enjoy his crying. i wanted to hurt him, yet felt so guilty for thinking that way. when he cried i just wanted to smack him. and that is the honest truth of my post partum depression after i had him. i just wanted him to stop crying. but when he did i wanted to make him cry. and when he cried i would cry all day with him. obviously this isnt normal. but i told tyler and we struggled for months. i lied to my doctor at my 6 week post partum checkup when she asked how i was doing.. im doing great! im so happy!
i WANTED her to see through it. but she didnt. so months went by, with many serious days where tyler had to come home from work becuase if i held blake for one more minute i would literally go crazy. and although blake WAS colicky, once it stopped i found reasons why everything was his fault. i have no idea where this deep resentment of him came from... but it was there.
i broke down and felt almost suicidal many times. there were times where i felt we should all not be living. which is ridiculous, but i was sick. very very sick. i am fearful of what people will think of me after they read this, and yet... i think it could help some new moms go get the help they need and deserve.
finally i snapped so bad that tyler told me i needed to get help. it took 6 months. SIX. thats so wrong. i do blame myself for lying about it but i also think i was very obvious... and i was just praying for someone to reach out to me. and then when ppl did- i pushed them away.
so i got put on an anti anxiety/depression pill that i had been on in high school. it helped a lot. it didnt make it go away completely, but it took the "edge" off.
we then concieved Jordan. i went off my pills during the pregnancy. i had the most horrible withdrawal and wouldnt wish those symptoms on ANYONE. everytime i moved or my eyes shifted i would get these electrical shock like feelings thrugh my body. i thought i was going INSANE. but i wasnt...turns out this happens to a lot of ppl. i decided that although those pills worked great, i would never go on them again because those 3 weeks of withdrawal were HELL.
So then came the birth of Jordan. I actually did much better depression wise this time around... even though jordans colic was worse. but then slowly but surely it crept up on me again and i just put down my pride and called the doc right away. since i was breastfeeding i was put on a different pill anyhow. after a week i felt some difference but it took about a full month to really turn around.
even though its common to have a mental type disorder like this one, its still embarrassing. ppl hear depression and they think "nut case". and in some ways they are right. but its still an illness, and a very disabling one at times. there are times where it took everything i had to get out of bed and feed my children. like it was such a chore. NOT out of laziness...
but out of hopelessness. like things will never make me happy. why should i get out of bed if as soon as i do, the day will turn to shit. that negativity just crushed me. people would visit and our house was a wreck. i would make excuses. but the real reason was that i just couldnt do more than the basic tasks to function. without tyler.... God only knows.
but now, with the help of low dose medicine, im a different person. at least i feel that way.
and thats a great thing :)
i can be the mother i want to be! i can be the wife i want to be!
but i also want to remember how i felt. not feel it, but remember it. so that when i see someone struggling with depression (in any form), i can give my sympathy and compassion, and kind attention. it is worth a life, people, it really is.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Makeup is the New Finger Paint!

So i have one hour. where blake will play in this room next to me and jordan will sleep. i realize this is my window of opportunity to get a shower and get dressed. but instead, i bring you this blog! talk about DEDICATION... lol.
so im gonna start from saturday. this past weekend was amazing (in my opinion). Jordan slept 7 hours at a stretch, and then 3, so i felt really good and rested. i took care of the boys and tyler worked that morning. he came home at 11:30. we just simply had a wonderful day of relaxation, the four of us time, and laughs!
saturday evening we got some dinner and came back to our nice smelling house (one of those glade plug ins - apple cinnamon- is who i have to thank) and went to bed. 7+3 hours later we once again felt rested (thank you Jordan!)  and got ready for the day. oh how i love sundays, because tyler is home in the AM!
Sunday was so lovely. i called my mom and asked what she was doing, because tyler gave me some spending money :D and i wanted to go to the mall. Tyler would stay home with blake, and work on the house while he napped, and i would take jordan along with me. my mom was free! YAY! i havent shopped with her in FOREVER. So we met up at the mall and the first place we went was the motherhood maternity store. because i wanted to look at nursing bras. none of them fit right, nor were comfortable. so i looked at the nursing shirts...SUCCESS... 3 brand spankin new nursing shirts... which i absolutely love, and actually feel pretty (somewhat) in. yeah, as far as nursing bras are concerned... i have three from target that i absolutely LOVE. so go there!
I sat on a bench and nursed Jordan, and then We went to Sephora and played around a little in makeup. nothing too exciting, but for me it was! i had so much fun with my mom. then came home to another relaxing evening!
Jordan slept well again into monday, and i (this was a miracle) managed to have both the boys fed and changed AND myself showered and dressed even with makeup by ten am.! I have the time change to thank for that. I woke up on the right side of the bed for once, and the day was perfect in my eyes, until lunch.
I went downstairs for 15 minutes to make myself some rice, and prepare blakes lunch. i left blake in our bedroom. usually he plays with the toys he has in a basket in there. not this time. i came happily in the door with both our lunches, and i stopped in my tracks. he had my makeup bag on the floor, everything pulled out of it and scattered, two lipsticks chopped off and lying on the carpet, and was digging his fingers into my concealor stick and wiping it all over our cream colored sheet as if it were finger paint. he has lipstick all over his mouth and teeth, and concealor covering both hands. Now, of course, this is amusing, but at the time- i was furious. especially since he ruined two somewhat expensive products i purchased the day before.
I put our food down and scolded him and slapped his hand because he continued doing it. he then sat down and wailed while i attempted to clean things up with baby wipes. Jordan begins screaming, and blake sees his food and remembers that he is hungry so he begins to bawl harder... it was a mess.
so i sat him on the bed and fed him, followed by me nursing jordan and shoving rice in my mouth at the same time. from that point on in the day blake became the brattiest kid EVER. mind you, he is getting his "canine" teeth in and this is the only time he has ever "teethed" as far as symptoms go. so i think that may have had something to do with it. either way i couldnt wait for tyler to get home. until he texted me that he was staying at work late. I then blocked out my mind, and pushed through the rest of the day trying not to think or feel...and just taking it hour by hour. it was so much better when tyler arrived, as it always is.
we didnt get as much sleep last night but still had more than we were used to. so far this morning has been somewhat smooth. except that tyler works late again, but we will manage.
even though this week was out to a rough start, i am still in awe of how happy this past weekend made me. and glad that i finally had one weekend where NOTHING went wrong... that was just.... awesome!
I will probably be doing my next post on Post Partum Depression unless of course something amusing or crazy happens between now and then. see ya!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Our Story Continued...One last time.

So around November of 2009, we started looking into becomming surrogate parents. Their were many reasons. We got matched with a 40-something woman from china named Julia. She paid to have us come to NYC to meet with her. We did. After that meeting we kind of decided that we would like to have at least two of our own before proceeding with the surrogacy. so we wrote an apology letter and that was that. I bought an ovulation test because we wanted to get pregnant that month. we only bought one. and hoped that my cycle was really 28 days and that i ovulated on the 14th/15th day. December 16th was the first day of my period, and i counted the 14 days, then tested. Positive ovulation test! woo hoo! We were headed somewhere and Blake was in his car seat all bundled up. I came out to the kitchen and said to Tyler... we need to try now... i ovulated! LOL, so yeah that wasnt so romantic, Liz...but o well :)
During the next two weeks, we bought our first house. We were so proud of it! Blake had his own room! and WE OWNED IT!!! There was 3 bedrooms (is, cause we still live here) Two full ones and a nursery sized bedroom off the master bedroom. Its not a huge house, but will work nicely for about 5 yrs.
So we were still techniclly living at the apt when we bought about ten pregnancy tests. I tested at 11 days past ovulation, and i thought i saw something but Tyler didnt so i threw it away. same thing the next day. but then the next day, i tested and there was definitely a second line...extremely faint, but Tyler saw it too. i dug out the other tests and because they were a day or two old, the line showed a little better! WE WERE PREGNANT... AGAIN!
Never did I expect to get pregnant that quickly, because when i was a teenager I was diagnosed with PCOS. but i dont think that is an issue anymore, or isnt, because i was on birth control for so long to treat it. I felt so blessed. and excited!!
It was now 2010, and we were going to have baby number two! this pregnancy was so different, that i was SURE it was going to be a girl. Although i still had morning sickness, but not as long. gosh its crazy how when you are pregnant, you almost get used to throwing up. so then we had Blakes first birthday party...he still wasnt walking, but weighed so much, so it was hard to keep carrying him around. We had our 3d ultrasound (my birthday gift from tyler) and it was to check for the gender. i was 17 weeks pregnant. i went back about 5 times becuase the cord was in the way, or he was turned funny, etc. it was so frustrating. she said boy, but i didnt beleive her. she just didnt seem very knowledgeable. so i was delighted when at my routine 20 weeks ultrasound, it WAS in fact a boy! I was so excited to have two boys so close in age (and yet nervous at the same time).
Finally around 15 months, maybe a little after, blake began walking....i am SO glad he walks lol. i dont think i could have carried around 30 lbs of him any longer. everyone said, just wait, when he starts walking he will get into everything! Well, to all those people... you were wrong. blake was such a good crawler, that he already got into a lot. it was no different than that. and it was easier! i didnt have to be 8 months pregnant carrying him around! and he could finally get to what he wanted with aslmost no help from me. so there! negative nancy's.
Then came 37 weeks. On the day i turned 37 weeks, i went into labor for ten hours. yelling and moaning. and in a lot of pain. then it just....fizzled out. i had this on again off again labor for about a week. then it stopped completely. i couldnt believe i made it to 38 weeks...and then that i could have made it to 39! (my blood pressure had just bagan to rise so if i made it, i would have been induced at 39 weeks.)
Then came saturday...38 weeks, 3 days pregnant. i would have contractions every 15 minutes from morning til evening, then they kept getting closer and closer, until they stayed at about every7 minutes...but were EXTREMELY intense, and all in my back, i couldnt help but yell through them, let alone catch my breath if i could. i was unsure what to do because i was in SO much pain, and knew it was something because it almost hurt worse than my labor with blake.
I called, and they seemed hesitant, but we went in anyhow. I got hooked up and checked, and my cervix hadnt changed at all from my appt. but the contractions were very strong. they were going to send me home when all the sudden the moniters bagan beeping and a bunch of nurses and doctors rushed into my triage room. i had no clue what was happening. they drew blood, put in an iv, etc. the doctor told me that the babys heart rate was dropping dangerously lower with each contraction. she gave me two options.
neither of them included leaving the hospital. i could either have a c section right then. or i could wait it out a little and see if i start dilating at all. and see what his heart does. so i decided to wait it out ... unless of course he was in immediate danger. they wouldnt give me pain relief because his heart rate could be negatively affected by that. they didnt want to make a bad situation worse. so i labored for hours, with no progress, screaming until i could find my breath anymore, and until my voice was almost gone. i couldnt cope any more with the pain. my contractions were off the chart. and yet no progress...i was later told that he was partially sideways, and because his head wasnt pressing down, nothing was progressing my cervix. the doctor told me she would come back at 7am and check me again. my mom arrived to offer support and i was relieved she was there. she had 2 c sections before, and could make me feel okay about the choice to take it. at doctor...i pressed the nurse button and around 730 the doctor came in. "youre late" i said " sorry i got caught up" she said with an understanding smile. honestly, i think jordan would have made it ok...but who knew how long it would have taken...days? and i was in so much indescribable pain that i decided mostly for selfish reasons that i wanted to just be done. so i turned to tyler and asked him if he would be okay with me having a c section. he said i think we should just have him. you are in so much pain, and since you cant have any meds, and his heart rate is the way it is...and they cant speed up your labor any cz of his heart, i think we should just do it...but its your final choice liz. i will be fine either way.
with that i said to the doctor, when she arrived, can i still have a c section? she said yeah, his heart is still acting up, and you are in a lot of obvious pain. so why dont we. is that what you want? i groaned in pain and said yes! lets do this.
so with the pressing of a button, the doctor summoned all the appropriate personnel in to have me prepped, signing papers, shaved, etc. i decided to go poop then. and i was so thirsty. but i wasnt allowed to drink. the nurse made me walk to the OR. tyler was all scrubbed up, and waiting outside the OR til they said he could come in. so i entered alone. they had me sit on the table, and placed the spinal. but it didnt take, so they had to pull it out and poke me in the back again. this time it worked... which was good because i was worried it wouldnt like my epidural. they quickly rolled me on my back but i was having a contraction and still felt it so i didnt help that process much. then they said they were catheterizing me. which i hate. and i was so scared i would feel it but all i felt was the pee urge so it was fine. one it was placed and taped to my thigh, they set up the drapes and everyhting. then they prepped my belly and cleaned it. tyler was brought in and he stood by my side. i remember i had trouble breathing at first. not sure why now. they told me to tell them whenever i get nauseated. i felt her making the incision, but it was just like feeling someones fingernail scrape across your skin. i told her this and i think they upped the meds a little. then i felt nothing but boughts of pressure.
they tugged around and every 2 minutes i felt extremely nauseated so i would tell them quickly, and they would put more medicine in.she said the head was out..and the body would soon follow. tyler got his camera ready. she said a lot of pressure. felt like my back lifted off the table a giant vaccum sucked my guts out. really. i heard his scream and tyler laughed/cried and said he looks just like blake did! and i laughed and cried a single tear when i saw him. i said i feel empty.. followed by... he does look like blake did! just like him! then i said to tyler as they cleaned him up im so tired. tyler kissed me and said i know. i love you. i love you too.
tyler took a bunch of pics and the nurse let him cut the cord. Jordan Tyler was born at 8:11 am on september 12th 2010. my mom heard his first cries while she waited. i went to recovery, where the nurse brought him to nurse. he was a pro. latched right on. the nurse held him there for me, since i was lying down and numb from the chest down. i cried and said look tyler were doing it!! he said i see, im so proud of you. i said this is perfect. we got to our room where i had a painful next few days...but not even close to how bad labor was.
we are now seven and a hlf weeks post op and doing great! recovery took about 3-4 weeks, breastfeeding went well but got easier around four weeks, and jordan is just now beginning to sleep  6.5 hours at a stretch (well for the past 2 nights anyhow. he is also a better baby now that he is on acid reflux meds. things are going well and i cant wait to begin the next chapter of our story. hope you enjoyed!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Our Story Continued...Again...

Then came my gender ultrasound. it was the end of november i believe. i had to go aone because tyler had to work. a girl from the temp job i was working at met me there, just so i would have someone to share my excitement with. I wanted a boy so so bad for my first born and didnt think i would really get what i wanted. when the ultrasound tech pointed out his "turtle" as they liked to call it i was so excited i could hardly stand it. she printed out a pic of iit so i could show tyler. then she lightened the mood by saying oh look at his little testicles just bobbing in the wind (obviously she meant amniotic fluid but it was still hilarious) so she printed out a pic of that too. I drove out and miraculously made it in time for tylers lunch break. i got out of the car and walked over to him with the pictures. and when he saw it im like see? and he looked at me and smiled saying boy. yep! and we embraced. that was so so exciting! we got our boy!
 Next came the search for a place to live. I wasnt working steadily (i had a few temp jobs) and Tyler luckily JUST got a full time job with benefits. So it was trying to find something within our budget.  Thank goodness for craigslist. I found a 700 dollar LARGE one bedroom apt (actually bottom half of a house) in Leola for us. We decided on one bedroom because the living room was so big that we had sectioned it off into a nice sized living room and a nice sized nursery. the reason 700 a month was good, was that it literally included EVERYTHING. heat electric water sewer trash. It was such a nice place to live.
So we found this place and decided to move in early december. I was something like 22 weeks pregnant at the time. Ill be perfectly honest. it was kind of nice to be pregnant during a move so i didnt have to do much :P
we also looked for an engagement ring in november. we knew we wanted to get married, not just because of the baby, but because of our love, and our committment to eachother and to our family. we went to a private jeweler so we knew we would recieve a quality stone, because we saw it as an investment and wanted to make the bet choice for our money. i picked the mounting and then a diamond from their vault. tyler picked it up about a week later and kept it for "when the time was right".
i was certain that he would propose on christmas or new years eve/day. so it was kind of a shock when he didnt. it was the sunday before christmas, and i was NOT feeling well. i dont remember why. but i stayed in my pj's all day and ordered an entire large pizza hut pizza and ate it all by myself (lol) and my hair was a mess and no make up. my mom called saying that when we get married my great grandma would want to make us a quilt. i forget what the actual call was for but when we hung up (i was in bed and tyler was in the kitchen) i yelled out to him that my mom said my great grandma wanted to make a quilt for us when we get married. he didnt hear me completely. he asked me to come out to the tree he wanted to show me something. i said no (lol). i was such a bum that day. he kept trying and i kept saying no. so as he was walking to me, i gave up and got out of bed and we collided in the door way to our bedroom. he looked flustered, and i was just looking at his eyes and not what was in his hand. he said "what is your great grandma making a quilt for" and i was so confused, and stubborn, and refused to answer the question and i was getting irritated with him. i stared him in the eyes and in my fit of hormones demanded he be clear with me. He shook his hand and said LOOK. will you marry me Liz?
I felt SO bad for acting that way. but at the same time we both kind of laughed and i put my arms around his neck and said of course! and he put the ring on my finger. originally, he had it hanging on the christmas tree, and wanted me to find it but with my attitude that day- no such luck.
So we shared the news and got really excited and even reserved a big old barn for the reception, and put a deposit on it. what a warm and fuzzy christmas that was :)
then came 2009. i was having trouble with my blood pressure and it was decided that i would be induced  at 37 weeks. my blood pressure was 185 over 115. i remember being pissed off becuase i had to walk my rearend all the way across the parking lot to get to my appt. i was miserable when they took my blood pressure, kept saying how they should get a shuttle for further along moms that have to park farther away. so that may have had something to do with it. regardless, it didnt go down and they said to go home take a nice bath and pack my bags, and come in with my husband when i was ready. so i did. they put the cervadil in and within an hour full blown labor began. i recieved an epidural at just 2 cm because i was screaming. i couldnt even catch my breath. i had very bad back labor. they tried 3 times to put an epidural in my spine, and because of a back injury i had, they had trouble locating the ight spot. so no pain relief for liz. worst pain of my life. i remember telling everyone i had to poop and the nurse said to wait til the midwife checked me. she came in and i said please hurry i really have to go poop! and she checked me and she said no hunny you really need to push this baby out. your 10 cm. i said NO, i HAVE to poop. we argued a little until i finally accepted that i HAD to push the baby out. it was march 24th . I pushed (it only seemed like 20 minutes but was 45 minutes) and had to push him out laying on my side with my leg on the air, which sucked...bad. i screamed that i was tearing and she said no sweetie your not. 1:00pm on the dot and 3 tears later (and mind you, i tore upwards 3 ways, not down) and some blood curdling screams i was rolled on my back and a screaming 6 lb 10.4 oz baby boy was placed on my bare chest. i exclaimed THANK GOD FOR HIM I THANK GOD! I was so glad he was perfect and healthy...but i was in shock from the pain so i did not respond very well. i went to stroke his leg and touched the cord instead and said EW. my tears still hurt so bad that i asked the nurses to take him. she stitched me up which i screamed the whole way through as well. thank god though, i healed very fast. and only bled for 3 days.
The next 3.5 months were a blur. Blake Isaac Usner, was a colicky baby. it was day by day. and i hardly remember a lot of it due to the zombie like tired state i was in all the time. I pumped and gave formula as well, then by the time he was 8 weeks old, he was just on formula. about 5 weeks after i had him tyler and i were laying in bed on a sunday morning, and we kind of just decided we wanted to get married now instead of having a big wedding "next yr". so we planned an intimate lake side wedding with just our immediate family for 3 weeks from then. May 14th 2009,with an almost two month old in tow, we said our vows next to lake Grubb. it was perfect for a small wedding. Mayor of Akron John MacBeth married us. he was just who i found lol. my mom made a sweet little "reception" in their dining room, with amazing food. we hope that in 5-10 yrs we can have a big wedding and renew our vows. and i can be the princess i always wanted to be for my wedding.
The last weekend in may, my parents took blake and sent us on a weekend honeymoon to Gettysburg. we had a bast. horse back riding, enjoying the hotel, old fashioned pics, going out to eat, etc. it was wonderful.
TO BE CONTINUED.... I promise just one more time :o) (sorry these are so long)

Monday, November 1, 2010

Our Story Continued...

So Friday August 15th. I remember every. single. detail. We were hanging around my and my ex's apt that evening (he was gone). I had a pet snake at the time named Sparta. He wasnt in his cage. We practically overturned the whole apt looking for him. Tyler lifted the sofa as I simultaneously found Sparta under a CD cabinet. But Tyler found an old pregnancy test (you know, the kind that come two in a box... must have taken one a while back - unfortunately while I was with my ex- and didnt need the second one, so somehow it ended up under the couch? yeah. i dunno. but it was there anyhow.) and he held it up and said... you should take this. WHY? I was on the pill so I felt i had no reason to. He said didnt you say you havent gotten ur period yet (i know, tmi) and I said well yeah but sometimes that can happen. He just handed it to me and shrugged. We hugged and kissed and said good night because he had to be at work pretty early that saturday.
He had left and I stood there holding a pregnancy test in my hand. I chucked it aside, and walked to the bathroom...but then i turned around in the hallway and went back and grabbed the test. what the heck right? i was certain i took my pills carefully. i missed one day while i was on vacation but that should not matter? as long as you take it when you remember. so i took it back  to the bathroom. i peed in a cup and took some with the dropper and put it on the test. then i held the tast in my hand and (tmi again) watched the pee go across the "line area"... i wasnt even nervous...there was no way. one line.... then another...wait...yeah there is two. two means yes? omg omg omg omg omg omg omg.. that was all i could say. i sat there on the toilet not crying but saying omg in short gasps and shaking. I began hyperventilating. so i tried to work on calming my breathing but still uttered omg every few seconds.
Where was my phone?! i looked and looked for my phone. then i went in the bathroom and looked at the test again (repeat x4) and I finally found my phone in a pile of blankets. I shook as i hit the send button twice to call Tyler.
hey. (me shaking)
is everything ok??
no. you need to come back here. now.
ok ill be there in a few minutes. ( he was still on his way home)
ok. bye.

I stood next to the front door to the apt the whole time. waiting for him to come. i heard his steps out in the hall, and started breathing heavily again...and i was somewhat wheezing... i just couldnt completely catch my breath.
He opened the door and didnt even look at what was in my hands. he just came to me and wrapped his arms around me and kissed my forehead. he was wide eyed. i had no idea what he was thinking. but his hug calmed me a tad. Im pregnant i said.
i know.
look (and i raised the test so he could see)
theres definitely two lines...
yeah. youre gonna be a father.
at that he teared up a bit and just stared at me. i looked down at my belly. i reached down and pressed into it down low. it was hard. and different. i couldnt believe i hadnt noticed it. i mean it was barely anything at all but i knew my body and knew that that was always squishy. (it was rather early in my pregnancy so i have no idea how it was already a bit hardened but whatever).
We walked back to the bedroom and layed down on the bed.
he was quiet
so now what? i said.
i dunno. he said.
im keeping it. i said.
well yeah, i would hope so. he said.
are you going to stay with me?
yes liz, he kinda laughed- like i was being ridiculous.
i mean what is going to happen? i cant stay here. what will my parents think? what will your parents think?! with that out loud thought i began to cry. i barely knew his parents. or his sister.
this could be bad. so i called a friend by the name of Ruthie. She was at a bar. she had to leave to hear me right. she couldnt beleive it. but said she was here for me, and to call if i needed ANYTHING.
then i called another friend, Lauren. she was shocked... but was like it will be okay liz. if anyone can do this it is you. shes right. i tried telling myself. Tyler texted a few people. they were all guy friends of his and were shocked. and angry, becuase i had taken him away from a lot of their "guy time" and they barely knew me... but from what they DID know, i was a fresh out of an engagement unstable person (in there opinions.
I felt so uneasy. tyler finally left because he needed to sleep before work the next day. I stayed up for a bit. but eventually fell asleep. 7 AM is when i was up. and decided to just call my parents and get it over with. hello? the groggy voice came on the line.
mom- im sorry i woke you.
i need to tell you something.
(slightly annoyed) yeah? - im pregnant.
oh god liz. (i hear my dad say what and she told him and i hear him mumble something)
well with who? she asked.
mom! TYLER. i am 110%. (i wasnt with my ex of course). do you still love me, mom?
of course we do. you know, just disappointed, well- i guess you will have to start being more responsible now huh?
yeah. can i move back home?
well your not staying there. yes, you cant this weekend. we will have to clean out your room. possibly next weekend.
thank you mom. and... im sorry. i love you.
i love you too.
It felt so good to know that they were told. i sent a text to my brother. and then i called my friend Holly. she comforted me and listened. When Tyler got off lunch, we met up at Friendly's for lunch with his sister. he asked her how many people were sitting at our table? she said 3....oh. omg. and she was pretty much silent the rest of the time. we all were. but the real scary thing was telling his parents. and i didnt want to be there for it...and tyler did not mind, so i went to a church camp that evening to take my mind off things. he was going to tell them.
He told them, then called me. said they wanted to know what we were planning to do as far as long term (marriage etc.) tyler said we were going to be getting a place. i was so relieved that he told them.
so i made a doc appt that monday.
the following saturday i had moved back with my parents. and had cramping so i went to the er. the ultrasound plus the following weeks routine ultrasound came up with that i was due sunday april 12th (Easter) of 2009.

To be continued, one more time...

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Happy Birthday Tyler!!

Well, tomorrow that is.
November 1st :)
My husband will be turning 22! YEYA! haha... we are so young and yet have accomplished so much!
Feels like yesterday that we began dating.... So in honor of his birthday, Im gonna tell our story (just cause its a special occasion lol)
I was with a guy before Tyler that I was engaged to (yes, at 18 yrs old) and had an apt with. I was very unhappy, and we fought all the time, so as much as it was out of my comfort zone- I broke up with him. Even with a deposit on a reception place and my wedding gown ordered. I just COULDNT be unhappy my whole life. I knew that, but it took a LOT to make the final cut to our relationship. Back track. While we were dating He had a truck that he played around with, and needed some advice on something to do with it. So he called up an aquaintance/buddy he went to school with (but never really talked to) and asked to come over and compare something on their similar vehicles. Enter Tyler. This was when I met him the first time. I asked to use his parents bathroom, and didnt see him again til the end of summer 07 at a birthday party. it was just another hello. I didnt think anything of it. December of 07 my boyfriend and I got engaged. We started going to see tylers truck which was a racing truck come together at a garage over that winter. tyler and i became kind of friends. but i still didnt think anything of it (i was engaged!) I started hangin around there more when i was bored. tyler now tells me he thought i was gorgeous haha (yeah right) but thought i was out of his -and the guy i was with's leagues.
Then towards the end of February 2008 I finally called it quits with my ex. it was just getting ugly. nasty fights, both of us were becoming volatile. it wasnt meant to be. I still lived with him in our one bedroom apartment. my parents didnt need me moving back in, and i didnt have a job at the time, and wasnt keeping up with school. so this was rock bottom. my ex was at least nice enough to not kick me on the streets and let me stay there. sometimes just so i didnt have to sleep on the floor we woud make a barrier on the bed while we slept. Every evening Tyler and I would kind of chat on aim. Then one day I told tyler how mixed up i felt and didnt know what i wanted in life. he took a big risk (gambling with a mixed up girl) and asked if he could come pick me up, that he had to tell me something. I agreed. We drove around in his truck and finally I said look can you please tell me you are scaring me (lol).
He parked and looked me in the eyes and said i like you liz. and i think you are worth so much more than youve been treated...ive thought that the whole time ive known you. just wanted to tell you that.
I HAD NO CLUE WHAT TO SAY TO THAT. I mean after all, I didnt really know him. So I said that I wasnt sure how i felt at the moment and would like to take the time to hang out and get to know him. he thought this was fair enough (most guys hear the "just friends" thing and get impatient...but he waited for me). We hung out and finally May 19th 2008 I said we could make our dating "official". fast forward to august 15th 2008. (we had even broken up for 2 weeks in the middle of all that).


Friday, October 29, 2010

Midmorning Ramble

I feel the need to make more of a list sort through all the things on my here it goes:

  • I am glad my 6 week post partum checkup is done and overwith... and that she approved me for more pregnancies and surrogacy.
  • I wonder what the surgical group thinks of me for not showing for an appt twice for my breast lump.
  • I feel so irresponsible lately.
  • Will this baby ever sleep in his crib!? Our shoulders and necks are killing us!
  • I wonder when I will make another/upload video...
  • Blake seems to be throwing more tantrums lately...and listening less :(
  • Holy bills.
  • $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.....can we please have some??
  • Blake please stop shredding toilet paper. again.
  • Trick or treat... we didnt go crazy with costumes this fact blake has a pumpkin sweater and jordan has none. I feel guilty. But theres just so much going on...but still- see bullet #3
  • When will I ever be dressed and showered before 5pm? Im sick of being in my underwear all day but I cant stand wearing clean clothes before I get a shower.
  • I need to start exercising
  • My dream last night was very creepy.
  • Our house is a nightmare. But instead I do this.
  • I miss our cats. But I also am 100% certain we did everything within reason we could have before taking them to the shelter. And spent tons of money. None of it worked :( and no one wanted them in the ads and through people we know.
  • I need to call the humane league to make sure they are even being put up for adoption.
  • UGH we have to take care of that stupid title transfer saturday. 
  • We need to visit our grandparents.

Well... there is more...but Jordan is crying so gots ta go. I will make a normal blog post soon enough.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

My Breastfeeding Journey: The first 6 weeks.

Ah breastfeeding. There are so many ups and downs Im not sure where to begin! Well, let me just start out by saying that for the first 3-4 weeks, everytime I fed Jordan, I wanted to just get a bottle. I wanted to bottle feed SO bad. Now, it is getting so much easier and second nature. We are more efficient and it is just plain easier than bottlefeeding (like we did with Blake). I will say that at night for one of the feedings Tyler gives him a bottle mixture of formula and breastmilk... which serves us just fine. Jordan usually eats every 2 hours but sometimes waits 3. I still just want someone to feed him a bottle sometimes. mainly because I want a break from being with him 24/7. I do realize that I could pump more but to me that just takes extra time and energy that i dont have. So most of the time i just put him to the boob.

In two weeks it will be the longest my boobs have made milk. (for Blake I pumped sometimes until 8 weeks pp). I still have my doubts as to whether i will breastfeed as long as originally planned, im thinking 4-6 months instead of 18 months. i love breastfeeding and hate it at the same time... i cant believe im so mixed about it! really... i just miss my sleep. thats what most of this is about. or my independence i could have from baby for a break. but when i think about it, breastfeeding, like i said, is easier because its all already there. no scoops, measuring, microwave needed.

Jordan still projectile vomits occasionally, and spits up at every feeding at least once, but its not AS bad and we both think he is growing. He still is colicky all hours of the evening and night, but "this too shall pass". He finally takes a nuk about 95% of the time, and a bottle 98% of the time-that we actually use one. unfortunately, he still sleeps in tylers arms almost every night because he will scream otherwise, and Blake would be woken up (to me thats just not fair to him).

Well, this blog was totally unorganized but they are just things that have been in my head and needed to "write" out. hopefully i didnt bore you to tears. and by the way, this blog needs an automatic grammar/spelling/punctuation corrector so i dont have to care as much lol. As you can see though, i didnt.

Friday, October 22, 2010

When stay at home moms get sick

Its inevitable. every year. once a year (usually-sometimes more) i get sick. This is the first time while i am home with two babies. Actually Tyler is sick too. and both babies seem to have stuffy noses. The right side of my face, my sinuses, teeth, head and neck feel awful. luckily jordan had a great night last night!!
My question is... what do other stay at home moms do when they get sick? do you get to rest at all? is your illness usually prolonged because you cant rest?
Just wondering... right now i wish i could rest. but like i said, i am lucky and thankful for last night being somewhat easier.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Meet the Usner Family

little bit about us....

Tyler is my husband, soul mate, best friend, team, partner, lover- everything you can think of. Of course we have our moments... who doesn't? he is a 22 yr old forklift operator at an international farm equipment company. he is an amazing father- one of the most hands on ones i have ever seen. he enjoys working on his racing truck..which is actually how we met (another story for another time) he is also my biggest helper. he helps with EVERYTHING. he cleans cooks helps with the boys... i cant complain :)

Blake is our firstborn son, 19 months old. he was born vaginally (induced @ 37 weeks 1 day for high blood pressure-had him the next day at 1:00pm) on March 24th 2009. He was actually due April 12th 2009 which was Easter. He was 20 inches long and 6 lbs 10.4 oz. he was a peanut, but from then on, he grew non stop becoming 95th percentile by one month old. and then stayed at 95th or off the charts for good. he was even on breastmilk the first 2 months! I remember him drinking 15 oz every feeding at 4 months, when i finally asked the doc what i could do...his appetite was insatiable!! The doctor actually gave us the go ahead to introduce solids. his body was just ready! and he did great! He is now the most pleasurable child, most always well behaved and listens well. and is simply sweet! he is my gentle giant :o). His favorite things are: fans, balls, lights, people, phones, remotes, food, and his grandparents (all 4...and all 7 great grandparents...his great great grandma died early this year :( ). His vocabulary is now about 30 words or a little more. lets see how many i can think of: ball cup uhoh up puppy dog kitty nanna momma dadda baby guy hi ear eye car clock tick tock cheese girl butterfly food hot cold hat etc.

Jordan is our newbie. he is 5 weeks 3 days old today. due sept 22nd 2010, born sept 12th 2010 at 8:11 am via c section (dystocia, heart decels, partial transverse lie) i was 38.5 weeks preggo. he was 7 lbs 8 oz and 21 1/4 long. nursed great from the get go. he has many stomache issues that i wont get into now, but all in all he is not the happiest of babies (nor WAS blake). he like stripes, nursing, being warm, nursing, and nursing. and being patted on the bottom. he isnt growing as fast as blake did but thats fine with me and my back.

me. I am Liz (Elizabeth) as many of you already know. I am a 21 year old stay at home mother of two under two. i am also of course a wife. i come from a happy wonderful family which i adore, my mom and dad, and my older brother. i enjoy horseback riding (i used to be in show jumping and had a horse named Lacey), as well as painting and drawing, and sculpting- when i have access to a wheel.

see? all that punctuation and proper form/grammar went real fast lol.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

How exciting! My first entry!!

Ahhh! Where to start? 
Well, I am on here for a reason. Mostly because I have time while nursing my youngest son, and figured I should be doing something productive, so here's my blog. It's not going to be perfect- in fact- probably far from it... I'm not striving to be a famous writer here, and although I was in English honors classes in HS, I'm usually not going to be grammatically(?) correct, or have accurate punctuation.
Well these past few weeks have been a little crazy. I have a husband and two boys. Now the clincher is the age of my two boys. 18 months... and 5 weeks. ba-da-dum CH! YEAH. I have two under two. Most of this blog is going to be of that sort. Family, parenting, children, and our good times... and yet so much more. I feel that knowledge does no good if you do not share it. So here we are!! 
Some posts will be random and some not so random (and probably a random blog as a whole :P ) 
...and so it begins...