WRITERS BLOCK

this is what writer's block looks like :













































Sorry guys....im just not coming up with anything today lol

Breastfeeding... Weaning Continued...

So Today may very well be the last time I got to nurse Jordan. What an odd, lonely feeling :o(
I am almost out of milk completely, and I filmed myself nursing him as the "possible last time" and took pictures.


so bittersweet...


I must say I am heartbroken...but at the same time elated. I have no clue what is wrong with me. one minute i love it and one minute i hate it. ugh

So today i tried a bottle of just formula and he seemed to do just fine...which is good right? then why does that bother me so much?...I think i know. but it is still good i guess. However I have quite the freezer stash so I am going to mix them for a while til i use it all up. except when we go out in public and its easier to just carry a bottle of water and put formula scoops in when ready. and at night...out of pure laziness lol, we began to have bottles of water ready to go on our headboard, and formula on my nightstand, to make this transition a little easier.

Especially cuz I have a fever and chills and a sore throat, and now Jordan is waking all night and has a hoarse voice which leads me to believe he has what i have. Blake still has the runny nose. Weird.

I must be crazy mixed up right now. But as much as it would have made sense to take it slow, I cant tolerate dragging things out, so I needed to do it somewhat quickly for my own sanity. In my eyes, Im either BF or FF. not both, too complicated- when you have your hands full as it is. Im always looking for shortcuts and ways to make my days easier...and really...i have.

I guess im just rambling today much like that of a diary so i will let you carry on with more important things :P

Weaning: Much Harder Than I Thought...

Ugh. Im having an emotional battle here with this breastfeeding/weaning business...

While breastfeeding, I loved it... except for feeling tied down. I still feel tied down and it really annoys me. But then there is a part of me that feels so attached to it. like here is this accomplishment I worked so hard at, why give it up now. I dont want ppl telling me my feelings are ridiculous, yet I dont want anyone telling me to continue BF'ing despite the fact that 50% of me wishes to stop.

so as you can see i am torn.
and its for completely selfish reasons too. I have no problem giving a bottle to Jordan in that respect. I know he is getting good nutrition, and he can actually make eye contact with me this way. He doesnt mind it at all. Its that when I give him a bottle, I feel SO jealous of that bottle... that hes not getting nourished from MY breast, or clutching my breast in his hands and being comforted from my own flesh. I miss that when i give him a bottle. Im now worried that I ruined my supply from bottlefeeding him for a day and only pumping 4 times.

so given my supply isnt ruined  from this (and im NOT spending countless hours nursing to build it back up) i may just continue for a little longer, until I am emotionally ready to stop. I see it (weaning)  happening in the near future (ie, about a month or 2 at most)...but I guess so long as my body cooperates, I will make sure im strong enough to let go.

Please, dont get all "you should breastfeed for a long time" on me... I just want to make the decision when it feels right. maybe in a month or so ill try again.

its good that he likes the bottle/formula though.