Friday, April 29, 2011

The Only Regret I Have.

I need to let this one here it is :/

Here i am surrounded by all these people getting married... it is something thats been heavy on my heart for a while now but i never saw the point in bringing it up. i am so thankful for our marriage and our kids and our life. i want to be honest with you. although i think our wedding was cute and neat....i regret not having the wedding i dreamed of growing up. i know it was my idea to just get married sooner than later...but now its proving to be one of the biggest regrets of my life...

it was such a HUGE milestone and we didnt celebrate the way id always dreamed of. im sitting here bawling my eyes out...because i know it will never happen. it is something i posted on a wedding site forum a while ago and am just now reading the responses. i asked if it would be okay to just have a vow renewal/redo so we could have the dress the party and the fun. the result was a big resounding NO! many of the people were very harsh telling me in other words that im being selfish and superficial. I just cant help how i feel. so now that i know that that idea is completely socially unacceptable, im just mourning the loss of a childhood princessy dream of my daddy walking me down the aisle and giving me away.

some people reading this may be rolling their eyes or whatever...but i am very down about it. i know i need to just look forward and move on, but every time i see wedding pictures of people surrounded by all their friends and family and the radiant bride in her beautiful wedding gown, i get a pang in my gut. not jealousy...b/c their wedding isnt what i envisioned....just regret. and i never thought i would have a regret in my life like that. sorry if this is meaningless to the reader.

...its just something i needed to get out.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Surrogacy Diaries...5 Supportive People

Someone asked me (yet again) under my latest video how i could give "up" the baby. I replied, honestly.
If you would like to see the actual comments exchanged, they are some of the very first on this video

Just a little bit ago, I received this sweet message (used with permission). It actually brought a tear to my eye. I love connecting with people, for whatever the reason...

"I just watched your lates video. You are the first woman that I have heard admit that we are not always attached to our babies at birth. I felt that way with all four of my children. I loved them as soon as I knew I was pregnant, but not the way I do now. Hearng this from some one else made me feel less guilty, knowing I'm not the only one. ! tried to be a surrogate for 2 years and I have gone through 3 agencies. The first agency accepted my applcation, but couldn't use me unless they had ALL of my OB records. You would think it would be easy to get since they are yours, but that was not the case. The second agency was okay. They would find me potential matches and then their clinics wouldn't want me because I had a section with my oldest, because my children where too "large", or because they wanted all my records too.After that I decided to try one more agency and if it happened great, if not maybe it wasn't ment to be. I applied at my agency on Jan 1, 2011, and I am now matched:) The contracts have been signed and I fly out for my medical screening on Monday. I wish you the best of luck and I kow it's going to happen for you. Just hang in there:)!!"

I replied with this....

"I always am scared that people will take that the wrong way and think i dont love them. that couldnt be farther from the truth! i LOVE my boys with all my heart...and soul...and then some...but at birth, i just wasnt there. i didnt feel like i knew them. of course i loved them then, but i wasnt attached, nor was i bonded.

I even asked the nurse why i didnt feel like it was my it was some foreign experience.. she said i had no clue how many mothers secretly ask her the same thing. we all want to be the best we can be so we worry that if we arent bonded right away, that it will appear negative in our society.

I just gave up...i cant please everyone. only myself. so i have come to love that quality, because it will enable me to provide someone (i hope) with a gift i have already been blessed with.

may i use your words in my blog? i will NOT put your username or identity in it...i just want people to know that its is normal. If not i understand, but its worth asking :)

let me know when you transfer and how everything goes! you are an inspiration!

have a wonderful weekend!


Guess it pays to just keep it real :)

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Surrogacy Diaries...4 Update and Anticipation

Alright... Since I have last posted, quite a bit has changed in a short period of time. At first, these changes were hurtful (although not intended to be), and I realize that this is just something that God wanted, and I will be led to where I should be.

What has happened?

Well, I sent the IP's my medical records. They were up front with me in saying that my first pregnancy (even though it wasn't that bad) may raise some red flags with their Dr. So when I got the email saying their Dr. reviewed my records and they cannot unfortunately move forward with wasn't a huge shock. But I still shed some tears. I felt so connected with them, so...happy. But even though I don't fully understand why, I am perfectly okay with it now. As my IM told me: "when one door closes another opens". I believe that to be the case. 

So I have made the decision to strictly stick with the lawyer/agency ...I will refer to her as "H" until I have permission to use her name. She truly is a wonderful person. She gave me the profile that same day of a couple who lives in a relatively nearby city (in my state). I told her about what happened with my medical records, and she really didn't see it as being an issue for most, so that relieved me...I am determined to do this for someone!

She sent my profile to that couple, and she emailed me 2 days later saying they LOVED it! YEAY! Here we go again, lol. Oh least I can bond with people easily right?? "H" said the couple would like to have a conference call on friday (tomorrow) at 10AM :D I agreed, as this is when Guy goes down for his morning nap. So it should go smoothly. 

Also, yesterday I had my annual PAP. She did my checkup, my blood pressure was 110/60 .. and at the end shook my hand, and was ready to walk out when I finally had the courage (yes, courage....Dr's stun me into silence for some reason) to say 
"I have a question.."

"Sure- go ahead"

"Uhm..Do you.. Do you think I would be okay to be pregnant again?"

"Hold on" sits down "let me take a look at your chart"...."is there a reason why you feel you shouldnt??"

", haha, its for a surrogate pregnancy...I am ready to do this and just want to make sure its not out of the question for whatever reason"

"Ah..." looks for a couple minutes .. "I dont see why not.." finally looks up from my chart and smiled (me-sigh of relief) "Yeah, I definitely think that it something you could do" 

Then she stared at me for what felt like forever, and I felt like I should be saying something. so I said 
"you must think it is strange..what im doing..then?"

She seemed to snap out of her staring session and smiled big 
"no...actually...I think.. (say it lady) .. its a very selfless thing to do"

Wow took her long enough to say it...and the way she walked towards me i had this strange feeling that she had a woman-crush on me HAHA! Im probably totally wrong, as she is married with 3 boys, and the sweetest of all the Dr's there...but it was just funny how she said it and walked toward me :P

So that made me super duper happy...that my Dr. thinks its something I am fully capable of and healthy enough to do! SUCCESS!

Its the small things that count.

I will update after friday's conference call!