Please do not read this if you have a judgmental nature. i need support, not condescending remarks, and i dont need ppl thinking im crazy. i just want to be open about something that is very raw, honest, and painful. please be respectful. thank you!
When i got pregnant with Blake, i was completely naive as to what motherhood would be like. i thought it was going to be a cake walk. everyone said it was hard, but something in my mind just couldnt grasp the fact that being home all day could be hard. and that my emotions and mental state could do things i didnt have control over AT ALL.
I was shocked, when they placed Blake on my chest and i felt distant and cold towards him. i felt like the most awful cold hearted mother alive. i thought it would get better. so the first week went by, and i started falling into this deep depression. i would sit and hold blake and almost enjoy his crying. i wanted to hurt him, yet felt so guilty for thinking that way. when he cried i just wanted to smack him. and that is the honest truth of my post partum depression after i had him. i just wanted him to stop crying. but when he did i wanted to make him cry. and when he cried i would cry all day with him. obviously this isnt normal. but i told tyler and we struggled for months. i lied to my doctor at my 6 week post partum checkup when she asked how i was doing.. im doing great! im so happy!
i WANTED her to see through it. but she didnt. so months went by, with many serious days where tyler had to come home from work becuase if i held blake for one more minute i would literally go crazy. and although blake WAS colicky, once it stopped i found reasons why everything was his fault. i have no idea where this deep resentment of him came from... but it was there.
i broke down and felt almost suicidal many times. there were times where i felt we should all not be living. which is ridiculous, but i was sick. very very sick. i am fearful of what people will think of me after they read this, and yet... i think it could help some new moms go get the help they need and deserve.
finally i snapped so bad that tyler told me i needed to get help. it took 6 months. SIX. thats so wrong. i do blame myself for lying about it but i also think i was very obvious... and i was just praying for someone to reach out to me. and then when ppl did- i pushed them away.
so i got put on an anti anxiety/depression pill that i had been on in high school. it helped a lot. it didnt make it go away completely, but it took the "edge" off.
we then concieved Jordan. i went off my pills during the pregnancy. i had the most horrible withdrawal and wouldnt wish those symptoms on ANYONE. everytime i moved or my eyes shifted i would get these electrical shock like feelings thrugh my body. i thought i was going INSANE. but i wasnt...turns out this happens to a lot of ppl. i decided that although those pills worked great, i would never go on them again because those 3 weeks of withdrawal were HELL.
So then came the birth of Jordan. I actually did much better depression wise this time around... even though jordans colic was worse. but then slowly but surely it crept up on me again and i just put down my pride and called the doc right away. since i was breastfeeding i was put on a different pill anyhow. after a week i felt some difference but it took about a full month to really turn around.
even though its common to have a mental type disorder like this one, its still embarrassing. ppl hear depression and they think "nut case". and in some ways they are right. but its still an illness, and a very disabling one at times. there are times where it took everything i had to get out of bed and feed my children. like it was such a chore. NOT out of laziness...
but out of hopelessness. like things will never make me happy. why should i get out of bed if as soon as i do, the day will turn to shit. that negativity just crushed me. people would visit and our house was a wreck. i would make excuses. but the real reason was that i just couldnt do more than the basic tasks to function. without tyler.... God only knows.
but now, with the help of low dose medicine, im a different person. at least i feel that way.
and thats a great thing :)
i can be the mother i want to be! i can be the wife i want to be!
but i also want to remember how i felt. not feel it, but remember it. so that when i see someone struggling with depression (in any form), i can give my sympathy and compassion, and kind attention. it is worth a life, people, it really is.