WRITERS BLOCK

this is what writer's block looks like :













































Sorry guys....im just not coming up with anything today lol

Breastfeeding... Weaning Continued...

So Today may very well be the last time I got to nurse Jordan. What an odd, lonely feeling :o(
I am almost out of milk completely, and I filmed myself nursing him as the "possible last time" and took pictures.


so bittersweet...


I must say I am heartbroken...but at the same time elated. I have no clue what is wrong with me. one minute i love it and one minute i hate it. ugh

So today i tried a bottle of just formula and he seemed to do just fine...which is good right? then why does that bother me so much?...I think i know. but it is still good i guess. However I have quite the freezer stash so I am going to mix them for a while til i use it all up. except when we go out in public and its easier to just carry a bottle of water and put formula scoops in when ready. and at night...out of pure laziness lol, we began to have bottles of water ready to go on our headboard, and formula on my nightstand, to make this transition a little easier.

Especially cuz I have a fever and chills and a sore throat, and now Jordan is waking all night and has a hoarse voice which leads me to believe he has what i have. Blake still has the runny nose. Weird.

I must be crazy mixed up right now. But as much as it would have made sense to take it slow, I cant tolerate dragging things out, so I needed to do it somewhat quickly for my own sanity. In my eyes, Im either BF or FF. not both, too complicated- when you have your hands full as it is. Im always looking for shortcuts and ways to make my days easier...and really...i have.

I guess im just rambling today much like that of a diary so i will let you carry on with more important things :P

Weaning: Much Harder Than I Thought...

Ugh. Im having an emotional battle here with this breastfeeding/weaning business...

While breastfeeding, I loved it... except for feeling tied down. I still feel tied down and it really annoys me. But then there is a part of me that feels so attached to it. like here is this accomplishment I worked so hard at, why give it up now. I dont want ppl telling me my feelings are ridiculous, yet I dont want anyone telling me to continue BF'ing despite the fact that 50% of me wishes to stop.

so as you can see i am torn.
and its for completely selfish reasons too. I have no problem giving a bottle to Jordan in that respect. I know he is getting good nutrition, and he can actually make eye contact with me this way. He doesnt mind it at all. Its that when I give him a bottle, I feel SO jealous of that bottle... that hes not getting nourished from MY breast, or clutching my breast in his hands and being comforted from my own flesh. I miss that when i give him a bottle. Im now worried that I ruined my supply from bottlefeeding him for a day and only pumping 4 times.

so given my supply isnt ruined  from this (and im NOT spending countless hours nursing to build it back up) i may just continue for a little longer, until I am emotionally ready to stop. I see it (weaning)  happening in the near future (ie, about a month or 2 at most)...but I guess so long as my body cooperates, I will make sure im strong enough to let go.

Please, dont get all "you should breastfeed for a long time" on me... I just want to make the decision when it feels right. maybe in a month or so ill try again.

its good that he likes the bottle/formula though.

quirks, problems... whatever you wanna call it.

Just some things some of you may or may not know about me...i dunno if this will make me sound totally psychotic but o well. some of this is not for the squeamish.

I have a lip picking issue. I pick alllll day long everyday. If its bleeding i still keep picking and end up with blood all over my hands. i have done this since i was little and i have no clue why. anxiety? understimulation? dunno. but because i have done this for so long, my upper (center) lip is completely numb from the build up of scar tissue and therefore i can pick even more without feeling pain. also from pushing on it so much to get the little bits of skin off (that i created) my one tooth on top is getting pushed backward. so i have a retainer to try and help keep it where its at.

Also, I have a hair pulling issue.
I pull at all the hair on my body, arm hair, eyebrows, my hairline, you name it. and pull it out in clumps. this IS from stress/anxiety. but even when on meds i still do it from time to time. its so stupid and self destructive but i cannot stop. im like in a trance when i do it and if someone calls me out on it i get super defensive, and irritable with them. this is why most times my arms are shaved. because otherwise i would pull those hairs out all day. its too much of a temptation.

I also have a problem with being overcritical with myself. ill look in the mirror and like many women, not be happy with what i see. but i take it one step further. i obsess about my weight all day, yet still feel compelled to eat A LOT of food. to be honest, i eat about 3000+ calories a day...so really i think i have a fast metabolism and am suprised im not 400 lbs. although 190 isnt good. i also watch my vlogs and grimace when i see how i talk and move my mouth. so weird.

any ideas on how i can get rid of these compulsions? (for  free)

I Have Weird Dreams!!!

I know its common for people to have weird dreams every now and then... but every night?
This is a summary of my dreams over the past 5 days... does someone have an overactive imagination??

Day 1: I stole 75$ and a hat

Day 2: One of my friends from youtube got violently ill, and couldnt keep anything down, and I was desperate to get her to eat something before she perished.

Day 3: I went on a date with a person im related to :o( (ummm ew!)

Day 4: I couldnt find a parking spot at school and when i finally did it was in the very closest spot to the school entrance and i was just about to pull in when my car shut off and broke down. then a suburban whipped right into my spot. and a girl walking by said "that sucks"

Day 5: I had insatiable thirst and no matter how many cups of water i drank it wouldnt go away. Also I had a dream about crazy bugs and lizards in my house and my husband and i had to stop them before they took over...some of them were even atacking us and it was very suspensful. lol.


Any ideas as to why I have a strange dream every night, and almost always have?

Money :/, Post Partum Depression Update, and .... School?

k. money sucks. when you dont have it. lol.

when i have money, im pretty sure is DOES buy me happiness haha.

anyhow i just am really relieved to report that on the money front, tyler and i are taking some important steps in managing our money, and trying to fix things as well. It makes us feel good when we handle things appropriately. of course, im not going into personal details on here, but lets just say we are human and arent perfect, but we are certainly beginning our journey to financial freedom.

one of my confessions money-wise... is i am a wendy's addict. yeah, its a problem.



On another front, I went to see my doc about the PPD, and am happy to say that it is going well with the meds i am on, however in a few weeks she would like to see me again in case we may go up in dosage. just to get rid of that last little bit that is lingering around. One of the things i struggled with while dealing with PPD is breastfeeding. i will be doing Jordan's 3 month update and a breastfeeding update soon, as well as a video update, for those of you that prefer that blogging style.



And yet another "thing"...

January=new years resolution. Mine? To begin online schooling to get a degree... and finish my schooling for once in my life. Ive used Penn Foster before, and it is an accredited school, recognized by and ran in the state of PA and is all online. I just didnt finish it last time. like everything else. but im determined this time. im sick of being the girl who doesnt stick with things and finish things i start. What degree? you may ask....  this has yet to be finalized but i am most likely going for my associates degree in Early Childhood Ed.


That is all I have to update ya'll on, but know that there is another blog coming very soon :o)

Question of the (day) Blog post:
Have you thought about a New Years Resolution? (if not- you may wanna start... its right around the corner!) If so, what is it ?!

Oh Facebook Ads, You Continue To Amuse Me

We all see them to the right of our screen... well, facebook users anyway. But how does facebook know allll about us (or think they do?)...

Its all in the demographics, people.

For example, take Sally, who is a 35 year old single woman. Thats all she put into her facebook demographics. and so, naturally she wants hot single doctors and a hollywood drink diet. because apparently if youre 35 and single, youre also fat... and poor.

Or take me, for example, a 21 year old married mother of 2 boys... apparently, i want "free diapers for a year, really!" or "get 32 portraits for 32 percent off!". Or other recipe, homemaking, and BORING ads.

Maybe, facebook... just maybe, i want a pair of stilettos. or maybe, i like to work on cars...

another ?....

when i sign in to my hubbys facebook, to clear his messages for him since he only goes through his phone... why are his ads still "girls gone wild" and, "private chat with wild teen girls" ... apparently facebook needs to up their morals if they think that a 21 year old mom is a frumpy baby machine, but a 21 year old dad didnt have enough sizzle in his life.

just a thought. thats all for today lol.